


a home that i wanted to grow up in

by newtslittleniffler



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood Friends, Closeted Character, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Old Friends, Phanfiction, Smut, Underage Drinking, Work In Progress, by college I mean uk college, dan is in a bad way at the beginning! be warned, dan is kind of a douche too, i'll keep adding tags as it goes, so they're both 16 but turning 17, they're in the same year group
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 04:25:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10801656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newtslittleniffler/pseuds/newtslittleniffler
Summary: fear of his feelings drove dan away from phil, losing himself in a bad crowd, leaving phil all alone. over six months, they become complete strangers - but then they're brought back together. love can't be avoided, right?----------------------------------------this is angsty and fluffy all at the same and i don't really know where it's going! *attempting* at least a couple of updates each week!**Title inspired by the song of the same name by Flatsound





	1. strangers

**Author's Note:**

> hi, before you start reading -  
> this is really au, i'm trying to keep their personalities pretty much the same (expect for the dan being involved in drugs and stuff) but other than that - pretty different.  
> also i'm writing this as i go along, and please do feel free to leave constructive criticism etc!

Phil swung his key round his finger as he walked, on his way home from a long shift at the comic book store. He  _ loved  _ working there, it was the perfect job for him, yet it had been a long day and he was exhausted. The darkening winter sky didn’t do much to help either, it was making him sleepy just looking at it. As he was about to cross the road that rounded the corner to his house, he paused. He thought he must have been imagining it, because why would he be seeing that?

But it was undeniable that Dan Howell was sat on the curb just a little away from Phil’s house. It was difficult to work out, he was crouched over, his face unable to be seen. But those long legs alone were impossible  _ not  _ to recognise. Unless that was just the case for Phil, and anyone else wouldn’t be able to make it out… he shook his head. He couldn’t let himself think like that. Instead, he tried to keep his eyes fixed on the ground ahead, thinking maybe he could just walk past and Dan wouldn’t see him. He really didn’t want Dan to see him. They’d barely seen each other since that night.

However, this strategy of just walking past like he hadn’t seen him didn’t exactly work, because firstly, Dan looked like he was waiting for him. And second, it looked as if he was hurt. Instantly, Phil’s chest started to ache as his heart began to hammer nervously in his chest, frantic. He didn’t hesitate a second longer, shoving down the awkward uncertainty and rushing over to him. 

“Dan?” he asked, still a little timid. When Dan didn’t reply, Phil’s hypochondriac mode went into helter skelter mode. Was he really seriously hurt? Was he  _ dying _ ?! 

Crouching down onto the floor beside Dan, Phil instantly grabbed at his arm, not allowing himself any time to focus on how that touch would usually give him butterflies, how usually he wouldn’t dare let himself even get  _ close  _ to Dan because he knew he couldn’t control himself. Desperate times called for desperate measures, though. 

“ _ Dan,”  _ he said urgently. The air was cold, and Dan wasn’t even wearing a jacket, it looked like he was passed out entirely. When Phil’s voice got more determined, though, his old friend mumbled a little, grunting and looking up. 

He was drunk. That much was clear, but that wasn’t all - he had a massive bruise on his eye, and a split lip. In general he just looked beat up. Phil immediately felt a rush of fury - who had done this to him? He clenched his fists, bunching up the material of Dan’s close as he did so. 

“Dan, what happened?” Phil said, and when Dan was still struggling to even get words out he slapped at his face - only lightly though, he couldn’t bring himself to do it properly. 

It worked a little at least, Dan opened his eyes wider, straightening up slightly, only to slump onto Phil, but he was active at least. He didn’t answer Phil’s question. Instead he looked up at him with those brown eyes from under his lashes, a look that normally would have made Phil’s breath catch. 

“Phil…” Dan mumbled, his words all coming out in a long groan, “You found me.”

He wasn’t making any sense whatsoever. He was drunk and a mess, and if Phil’s parents saw him, they’d probably freak out a bit. There was no way he could just stay outside like this… but he lived on the other side of town. And Dan’s parents… Phil knew they’d kill him. They were tough enough on him as it was. 

And despite everything, despite how everything had changed over the past six months, he couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of joy. Dan had come to him. After everything… he’d come to  _ him  _ when he needed him. He’d wanted Phil to find him. For a millisecond, Phil allowed himself to feel light and smile. It felt like he hadn’t smiled and meant it for a whole six months. 

Phil wasn’t exactly good at problem solving, his idea of an easy solution was usually terrible and made things worse. But right now, Dan was sat just a few steps away from Phil’s front door and both of his parents were still at work. 

Deciding there and then what to do, Phil said, “Alright, Dan, come on. You have to stand up.”

He wondered for a second if Dan had passed out entirely, which really wouldn’t be good because Phil wasn’t  _ that  _ strong, but he only had to ask once more and Dan was allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. 

“You have to walk, Dan.” Phil said gently, and he didn’t really know if he was surprised or not when Dan actually did take steps across the pavement. 

It took way longer than it had  _ ever  _ taken Phil to get from the gate to the front door, and he could be incredibly slow. It didn’t help that he was struggling with taking most of Dan’s weight by himself as the younger boy was pretty much incapable of anything. So that he could unlock the front door, he had to lean Dan up against the wall. He turned away for a second, fumbling with his key and the lock with numb fingers, and when he turned back he saw Dan had slumped down onto the ground. 

“Bloody hell.” Phil murmured, loud enough for Dan to have heard if he had been  _ sober _ . “To think our parents used to say  _ you  _ were the sensible one.”

Pushing the door open, he managed to hoist Dan back onto his feet. 

“Thanks.” Dan said, the fifth word he had said throughout the entire encounter. 

“Don’t thank me yet, you’ve got to get up the stairs now.” Phil replied flatly, using his foot to kick the door shut. 

He looked at the staircase, the first thing you see when you enter the house. It felt like staring down a villain. Shaking Dan again, he managed to make him stir to reality. 

“Dan,  _ stairs _ . Don’t fall, my mum wouldn’t be happy if you died on our staircase.” Phil said, adding internally,  _ and I would probably die too if you died  _ anywhere,  _ not just the staircase.  _

Through bleary eyes, Dan managed to make out the steps, and with the help of Phil he managed to actually get up them without tearing backwards. He did keep trying to sit down again though, slumping against the bannister. 

“No sitting.” Phil said. He sounded so flat. He’d sounded flat and emotionless for… funnily enough, six months. Since the last time Dan had seen him. He wondered if he noticed how empty Phil seemed, how he’d lost that light in his sparkling blue eyes, but of course he wouldn’t have. Because now Dan was someone who drank in the day with friends who weren’t really friends - but that was kind of wishful thinking. He wasn’t drunk, Phil realised. He was high on something, and it wasn’t weed.

Eventually, they made it to Phil’s room. It was small, and they were both so tall that they filled it like sardines in a tin. Instantly, Dan crashed down onto the bed. He was half lying down and half sat. It looked really uncomfortable. Being consumed by the warmth of the Lester’s house seemed to get to him somehow, because his eyes were half open. He was out of it, unable to even work anything out it looked like, but he was awake and breathing. 

His eyes were fixed on Phil as he went and picked up a blanket from his desk chair. He didn’t say anything as he left the room, picking up a glass and filling it with water from the bathroom tap. When he returned, Dan was in the exact same position. 

“Sit up.” he said, holding out the water. “Drink this.”

“Don’t want to sit up.” Dan croaked out, but he did it anyway. That was always how it was with the two of them. They could never say no. 

Phil wanted to interrogate him. He wanted to ask what the hell had happened, why he was at Phil’s house. He wanted to know everything, about the bruise and the cut. But he also wanted to ask other stuff, like why he’d stopped answering his texts. Why he’d started blanking Phil entirely, why he had to hide from the truth of their feelings. Why’d he been happy to leave Phil completely on his own. 

But instead, he took the empty glass of water and placed it on the bedside table. He told Dan to lie down properly, in his bed, under Phil’s covers and with his blanket bunched up with him. Within seconds, Dan had got the message and shut his eyes. He didn’t know if he was really sleeping or not, but he may as well have been passed out. Phil went to refill the glass of water so Dan would have something if he woke up, and then he settled down on the desk chair, putting in his earphones and acting like he wasn’t even there. 

Though he was definitely there. The room was buzzing like it only ever did when Dan was in it. Phil’s arms were goosebumped and the hairs were standing up, and his heart felt all fuzzy. That didn’t change the fact that he was also sad and unsure and  _ resentful _ . Glancing over his shoulder, he looked at Dan. 

He looked so out of place. He’d gotten piercings, ones they’d never even spoken about - Phil remembered when they were eleven and talking about tattoos they’d get (of course, the idea of getting them now made Phil cringe so badly it hurt his neck) and he just wasn’t himself. He was drugged up and in Phil’s room. The room where they played video games and watched anime together and had sleepovers, right from the ages of five when they first met up until they hit sixteen. 

And then everything had changed. 

Phil wished he didn’t know what it was that had made it so Dan felt like a stranger, an unwelcome shadow in Phil’s home. 

But he knew. Of course he knew, it was the thing that played over in his head day after day, and worst of all was when it was like a horror movie in his head at night, keeping him from sleeping. One small thing that had made Phil have dark sunken shadows around his eyes, led to the feelings that made it almost impossible to get out of bed sometimes and he’d forgotten what it was to have a normal meal schedule. 

The thing that had left Phil all alone. 

 

_ They’d both gone to the party. Not because they wanted to socialise, they’d both have rather gone to the cinema or something like that, but they were celebrating the end of year 11, they’d graduated. They wouldn’t be seeing the majority of these people again so why not give secondary school a good send off?  _

_ And they hadn’t planned on drinking. Dan had promised his parents he would be entirely sensible, and Phil hadn’t even needed to tell his parents that because the last thing they would expect their Phil to do was drink or smoke or anything else.  _

_ Both of them had always wondered though, what it was like to get drunk. And they were sixteen now, it wasn’t  _ that  _ bad, was it? So they’d helped themselves to the ciders the host of the party had provided, they didn’t even know who it was, just some kid from their year. And they’d both liked how it made it easier to socialise, they didn’t feel awkward and liked they wanted to just hide in the corner until it was acceptable to leave and go home.  _

_ Then they’d had more, and more, and they didn’t want to go home. They were having fun, giggling and talking like they’d never talked before, coming out of their shells. _

_ They were still Dan and Phil, the other kids knew that they only really wanted to talk to each other and nobody else, but they were even better at socialising with  _ them _.  _

_ After the party had ended, the two of them were heading back to Dan’s house for a sleepover and they decided to stop in the park along the way. They went on the swings, and with the alcohol buzzing through their veins they just allowed themselves to act like they were little kids again, seeing who could go highest, kicking their legs and shouting insults they didn’t mean at each other, getting competitive. Eventually they both gave up, and instead went over to the castle. The castle was a climbing frame, and they were both getting so tall they barely fit in it. Somehow though, they managed to squeeze up to the little platform that looked over the whole park, and they lay side by side on their backs, gazing up at the stars.  _

_ In the quiet summer air, Dan said, “We made it Phil. We actually survived high school.” _

_ Phil laughed beside him, and they were so close that the silky chuckle seemed to fill all of the space. “Yeah, who’d have thought it.” he replied.  _

_ They hadn’t even noticed when they linked their hands together, but they both squeezed each other, the touch reassuring and comforting. It was easy to feel alone, out in the middle of the night with nothing but the moon and stars for company - but they had each other. They didn’t feel small, they felt big, like they could take on the world.  _

_ “We actually passed our exams.” Phil said, the disbelief only sort of put on for show. _

_ “And somehow didn’t get bullied.” Dan laughed, “Remember how weird we were in year seven?” _

_ “We’re still weird.” Phil said, laughing too. “Nothing changes with us, does it?” _

_ And nothing had changed.  _

_ They were the way they’d always been. Dan and Phil, the only people in the whole universe that mattered. They still found all the same childish things funny, private jokes they’d had since the ages of seven still existed. And Phil’s heart still sped up every time he saw Dan, his stomach did flips whenever they got close. They cuddled, not caring that idiots at school would call that ‘gay’ or whatever they wanted to say. The only thing they hadn’t ever done…  _

_ Phil sat up. And Dan did too. Slowly, both of them staring at each other, eyes following every single movement. Their faces were so familiar but under this light, everything seemed different. Dan was shining, like a star on the earth just for Phil.  _

_ Dan’s eyes were fixed on Phil’s lips. Phil’s eyes were fixed on Dan’s.  _

_ Moving with one graceful glide, they both leaned in, and their mouths met. They were kissing.  _

Oh god!  _ They were kissing. It was everything Phil had ever dreamed it would be and more, he’d always thought about it but never like this, never like it was actually a possibility. Maybe he was exaggerating, but it felt like they say it does in those lame books he always reads. Fireworks, relief, like all of the nerves in his body were buzzing at once, like they were floating alone on a cloud of pure joy. He’d never kissed anyone before, but he knew Dan was good at it, purely from the way it was taking away Phil’s breath. He wanted to give Dan everything, his thoughts were going crazy. It was like his mind was reeling with chaotic joy but his head had also gone to mush and he felt dumbfound, numb with excitement. He slid his hand up Dan’s arm, and then just as he started to lift his fingers to twirl into Dan’s brown hair, the moment was over.  _

_ Everything froze, or maybe it sped up, he didn’t know. He was confused. Dan was pulling away, and then he was on the ground, and Phil was jumping down too.  _

_ “Dan?” he asked, wary and afraid and unsure all at once. “What’s wrong?” _

_ “Why did you do that?” Dan said. It sounded accusational, and Phil would later on wish that he stuck up for himself, pointing out that it wasn’t just him, Dan had kissed him too. He hadn’t done anything wrong! But as Dan was whirling round at him like that, it felt like he was angry. Phil had messed up! _

_ “I’m sorry!” he said, his words small, his voice trembled. He held up a hand to his lips, feeling the tingling sensation there, and it felt like it had been a slap rather than a beautiful kiss. How had everything changed so quickly? “I thought-” _

_ “Don’t ever fucking touch me again, Phil!” Dan said, his tone sour. Scared? It was hard to make out.  _

_ “Dan, I…” _

_ “I’m not gay.” Dan spat.  _

_ “I didn’t say-” _

_ “I don’t care what you are, but- don’t kiss me. You shouldn’t have kissed me.”  _

_ Phil couldn’t think of what to say to make it better. He was crying, that much he knew, he couldn’t believe he had been so wrong. Everything had just seemed so perfect. Trying to cling on to words, he desperately searched or something to do to make everything right, to just forget the whole night. But it was too late, because before anything else could happen, Dan had left.  _

_ He’d run off, going home all alone, to the bedroom that had been set up for a sleepover, Phil’s bed on the floor even though they always ended up just sharing Dan’s bed.  _

_ And Phil was alone.  _

 

So that’s when everything had changed. The last time Dan had been in Phil’s room was just  _ hours  _ before everything in the park had happened. Phil wanted to cry, but he hadn’t cried in weeks. He was so angry. He was sad. He was completely numb. 

And Dan was in his room.

It looked like him. When he was sleeping, he looked young again, even with his lip piercings and the hole in his ear. His fringe, which he’d started straightening the moment he was trusted with straighteners, sweeping down across his forehead. Sleeping, you couldn’t see the sadness that clouded his eyes, and you couldn’t see how he’d taken to living his life.

But even then… six months was a long time, in Phil’s eyes. The time had included an entire summer spent all alone, it had involved starting college with no friends. It had involved blaming himself for something he didn't do wrong, it had been empty and cold, even when the sun had been shining bright. 

Dan may as well have been a stranger. 


	2. a rude awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter references to child abuse though not in great detail, just a warning!!  
> It's also kinda short, so sorry about that  
> i'd also like to say thank you to those who are reading this, it means a lot! :D

Phil had stopped pretending to focus on other things long ago. Dan had been sleeping in his bed for about five or six hours, and Phil had barely left his room other than to go and tell his parents that Dan was sleeping over. They’d both looked so pleased, immediately lit by the hope that their son would be back to normal soon. It had made his heart twist a little in his chest, and he didn’t quite know why. Mostly, he was trying to believe it himself, trying to believe that everything could be mended. Maybe this was just the first step he needed. However, deep down, he knew that things couldn’t be sewn back together quite so easily. The thread wasn’t even through the needle yet...

It was nearing three am, and Phil was sat at his desk chair still, only now he had his back to the desk and was facing the bed. Not in a creepy stalkerish way, he just liked to spin on his chair and it had come to a stop and he just hadn’t managed to move yet. He felt transfixed. He was trying to trace Dan’s face with his mind, trying to see if it was real. Also, he was waiting until he could tell what he felt when he looked at Dan, and it was proving to be difficult. Every time he looked at his old friend, he just felt a strange jolting feeling. That was all he could say to explain it… a shattering lightness that was filled with shadows. Glee and utter gloom.

As he slept, Dan’s brown hair was falling over his eyes, no longer pushed to the correct side but just everywhere. It felt like a physical itch, Phil was so desperate to just reach out a hand and tuck the strands back. He wanted to stroke his hand across his cheekbones, gently stroke the bruise blackening beneath his eye, and then down to his jawline. He wanted to kiss him. Oh  _ god  _ he wanted to kiss him. 

_ Well, they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder,  _ Phil thought to himself,  _ it would just be easier if I didn’t also hate him _ . 

Hate was a very strong word. But he couldn’t easily forgive the pain Dan had put him through. If Dan even  _ wanted _ forgiveness that was, he had been completely out of his mind when he first went to the Lester household. Sighing, Phil turned back to face his desk. He stared blankly at the screen of his laptop, but he couldn’t even think of anything to do to distract himself. His head was reeling with thoughts, thinking about stupid Daniel Howell and the tricks he played on his mind without even having to try. It was all driving crazy. He was just thinking of going to sleep in the guest room, even if he knew he wouldn’t sleep but it was better than just sat next to a sleeping Dan, when he sensed movement behind him. 

“Where… what am I doing here?” 

It seemed like time froze. Phil tried to work out what it was in Dan’s voice… did he sound confused? Disgusted? Nervous? Pleased? Well, truthfully, he didn’t sound like any of them, he just sounded sleepy and his voice croaked a little bit. Any other time, Phil would have thought about how hot his sleepy voice was. Turning round again, Phil met Dan’s eyes. They looked bleary and he was scanning the room, maybe he was trying to work it out still, or maybe he was just readjusting to the place he spent so much of his childhood. Each time, they came back to focus on Phil, but not for long, as if he was scared.

Phil tried to think of something he could say, but he didn’t really know what would sound right.  _ You showed up outside, beaten bloody and completely drugged up, so I put you to sleep in my bed like I’m your prince charming and you’re my princess.  _ Yeah, something told him that wasn’t the right thing to say. 

Instead, he turned his attention back to the bruise on Dan’s face, just below his eye, and the cut above his lip. Getting to his feet, he left the room and went next door to his bathroom. 

“Phil?” Dan called out, though his voice was rarely raised at all, at least he sensed that it was the middle of the night. As Phil dampened a flannel in the bathroom sink, he felt like there was a fire burning inside of him. He just didn’t know what the fire was burning  _ for _ . He really wished hearing Dan say his name didn’t make him feel the way it did - like he’d forgive Dan in a heartbeat. Christ, Dan could pierce a knife right through his neck and Phil would only be able to think of how beautiful his eyes were. 

He tried to take his time, but then he realised it  _ was  _ a bit weird, just silently getting up and leaving. Like some sinister thriller villain or something, keeping Dan as his hostage. Sighing, he went back to his room, closing the door behind him carefully and crossing the short space to his bed. 

“Does that hurt?” he asked, and he’d been quiet for so long that his throat scratched when he spoke. 

It wasn’t what he so desperately wanted to say. He wanted to talk about how weird it was for Dan to just wake up in Phil’s room, he wanted to laugh and ask if it felt like he’d gone through a time machine. He wanted to just pretend everything was normal, but he wanted to shout and ask how Dan could do that to him, ask if what they had really meant so little that he could just shut him out entirely. He wanted to cry and he wanted to kiss him and he wanted Dan’s warmth to take away all the pain. 

“A bit.” Dan replied. It wasn’t the confident Dan that Phil had always known. Their silences used to be comfortable, and now the quiet felt so cold and stilted.

Phil opened his mouth as if to say something, but he didn’t know  _ what _ . Nothing was right. So instead he lifted the flannel and gingerly moved it towards Dan’s face, towards the bruise. Before he could make any sort of contact, though, Dan flinched backwards out of the way as if he had been burnt. 

His face falling, Phil snapped harshly, “It’s not like I’m going to make out with you again, Dan.” Every single thing made him so irritated. His hand shook, holding the flannel so tight that water dripped down onto the duvet, getting on his hand. He didn’t care.

They’d barely even had small talk and they were already going there. Dan met his eyes directly, and both of them were so obviously trying to work out what the other was thinking. If only they had windows into their minds. It was silent but it wasn’t, the stars and the moon outside seemed to buzz and the dim light whispered. But between Dan and Phil, there was nothing. That’s what it looked like, at least. Emotionless on the exterior, but inside Phil was a complete mess. He wondered if Dan was, too. They used to always be able to know what each other was thinking. 

He waited for Dan to say something, but he didn’t. Instead, he just shut his eyes and swallowed. It looked like he was trying to gain courage, because then he leant forward. Every single thing he did just made it feel like an iron grip inside Phil was getting tighter and tighter, twisting at his heart and his stomach. He’d never in his life been so irritable, worst of all was that it was  _ Dan  _ making it so. But then, Dan nodded, and with eyes shut he leaned closer. His eyelashes brushed against his skin.

Ignoring the torturous grip inside, Phil lifted his hand again, holding the flannel back up to the bruise. Dan exhaled breathily, and Phil knew he wanted to wince but he wouldn’t. He was embarrassed. Around  _ Phil _ ! 

Honestly, Phil was grateful to be able to focus on something, even if it did involve helping Dan. He just focused his mind on the bruise, and then without thinking he lifted his other hand, pushing Dan’s hair out of the way because it was getting wet. He didn’t notice Dan tense up and inhale roughly, taken off guard. He didn’t pull away though. Instead, he watched Phil, studying his face. 

“I don’t even know if this works.” Phil said, talking whilst barely noticing the words coming off his tongue. “I just remember all the nurses in primary school saying to put a wet paper towel over  _ any  _ injury.”

To both of their shock probably, Dan laughed. It was nowhere near his real laugh, loud and completely obnoxious, more of a soft one. A whispered one. “Like when you got hit by a football and  _ literally  _ got concussion, but all Miss Hinchley said was to put a wet towel on your head.” 

Phil smiled despite himself, nodding as he thought back to it. “Yeah, and then at home I was sick and told my mum and she took me to hospital.”

“It’s just like you to have  _ concussion  _ at yet be basically fine.” Dan replied, and that’s when the conversation abruptly halted. 

It felt dangerous. They’d actually  _ slipped _ into their past selves, remembering. For what felt like a fraction of a second maybe, but still. Laughing with each other. The air went rigid and Phil loosened his hold, waiting for Dan to take over with holding the flannel. He should have just let him do it himself anyway, Phil told himself,  _ you idiot, Phil _ . When Dan went to take the flannel, their hands came so close to brushing. Millimetres apart, and such a small space had never felt so far.

Turning round, Phil went over to the desk, sitting back down. He couldn’t meet Dan’s eyes anymore, so instead he asked, “So what actually happened?” 

He made sure that he didn’t sound too interested or worried, when really it had been bugging him nonstop.  _ Who hurt Dan? _

“Oh.” Dan said flatly, it would be impossible to guess he had laughed just a minute before. “I went home really high which wasn’t a good start, and my parents had been sent a letter home from college wishing me luck as a failed dropout.” he did laugh again, but it was a cold and sarcastic laugh. 

“Wait, you dropped out?” Phil asked, frowning, forgetting he had resolved to be disinterested. 

“What am I going to do with  _ law _ ? I picked it half way through year 11-” Dan trailed off. He’d picked it before he had got involved with all of the drugs and the drink and the entirely wrong crowd, most of whom were older. Well, Phil had never pictured him doing law, but it still concerned him. They used to always talk about how fun it would be when they went to university together, living in a flat and going to classes in Manchester or something. And now Dan’s life was going entirely off track.

“...I just don’t care about it.” Dan said after the pause, “College isn’t for me.”

Phil wanted to ask more, but knew there was an extent to what he could ask. Brushing over that, he asked, “What about the bruise?”

The silence was answer enough. All that had happened was Dan’s parents. His father.

Phil balled up his hands into fists so hard that he was pretty sure his nails tore his skin. He knew that Dan’s dad could be… violent. In fact, he’d done things before to hurt Dan, but something that bad? The bruise was horrific, and in the state Dan had been in! Suddenly filled with a storming rage, Phil prepared his outburst of shocked fury. All it took, though, was one brief look at Dan to know that was the last thing he needed.  

“Yeah, he told me to leave, and I ended up here I guess.” Dan said, ignoring the question of the bruise. He sounded unsure when he added, “Thanks, Phil. I… I’m grateful.”

Phil wanted to know why Dan had trailed across to  _ his  _ house. He wanted to ask what Dan had meant outside on the street, when he’d said  _ you found me  _ and spoke as if he’d found bliss. He wanted to ask if Dan had picked him of all people for any kind of reason. But he couldn’t. Instead, he said, “It’s fine. I wasn’t going to leave you to decompose out in the street, was I?”

Before, Dan would have looked at Phil like he was done with him, though it would be warm and fond,  saying “ _ Really Phil? Decompose?”  _ but instead he just stared at the carpet. 

“I just didn’t want to go home.” Dan said softly. 

It hurt. He sounded so lost and afraid and sad. Phil wanted Dan’s dad to get locked up behind bars. No matter what was going on between the two of them… no man should do that to his child. It made Phil physically sick. 

He thought a lot before saying what came next. He wondered if it was the right thing to say, if it was  _ true _ . Dan had really really hurt him, and a massive part of Phil just wanted to shut him out completely, to never let him in again. There was another part that wanted to get back at him, though of course he’d never ever do that. But what if Dan needed him? 

He cleared his throat, saying, “Well, you know you’re always welcome here.”

He didn’t know what he expected. Did he expect Dan to grin and say,  _ oh man Phil, I’ve missed you! Let’s never stop being friends again!  _ That would be how they resolved it if it was some lame TV show for 12 year olds.

That didn’t happen. Dan just shifted uncomfortably on the bed, and looked around the room like you do when you’re about to announce it’s time you head off.  Phil felt cold.

“Thanks,” he said, not sounding at all thankful. It sounded like Phil’s kind offer had actually been a horrible insult, Dan sounded so off. “I have friends’ houses I can crash at…” 

It didn’t actually sound like he was going to leave. But he said it. And Phil remembered that he no longer counted as one of Dan’s friends. He felt an icy chill breezing against him. Everything flipped. 

He really wished he’d gone with the first option of blocking Dan out, because now it just felt like he was being reminded all over again. 

Dan would never be able to accept Phil. He didn’t know what it was - that he was gay? That he had felt the way he did before? The kiss, just the outright shame of it?

“Oh okay.” Phil said flatly. “I’ll get you your shoes then.”

“Wait, what?” Dan asked, having the audacity to sound completely shocked. He looked at the alarm clock on Phil’s bedside table. “But it’s 3am…”

“Well, like you say, you’d rather be with your friends. You don’t need me dragging you down.” 

He spoke cheerfully, but he knew that Dan could hear the toxicity dripping off his tongue. Many people never could tell with Phil, thinking he was just always bright and sunny and nothing else, but Dan  _ always _ knew. He looked hurt. 

Phil hated it. The fact that he had even made Dan upset for just a second physically  _ pained  _ him. But all he had to do was think about the six months that Dan had been hurting him, and how easily Phil had let him into his home and tended to his wounds like some bloody nurse, only to be reminded that  _ no _ ; they weren’t friends, Dan and Phil were history. 

For a moment, it looked like Dan would protest. Phil wished he would. Maybe an argument, a real argument, was what they needed to resolve the differences. But then Dan got to his feet, put the flannel down, and located his shoes by the bedroom door. 

Phil didn’t look. Watching Dan leave him alone again would just make it so much worse. 

“You know the way out, don’t you?” he asked, staring at the now empty bed. 

“Yeah.” Dan said quietly. “Uh… thank you. For letting me stay.”

It was so formal. Not like them. It was all so  _ wrong _ . With his back to Dan, Phil had to squeeze his eyes shut as if to hold back the tears, although tears wouldn't even come. He wasn't that surprised, which was the worst part.

“Close the door on your way out.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh i just wish the fluff could come now...... :(  
> soon, i promise!
> 
> i don't know how long it'll be to the next update, i stupidly started this when my gcse exams are 10 days away, but i plan on doing lots of work on it this weekend!  
> thanks for reading x


	3. nothing lasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again it me  
> sorry for taking a lot longer than expected to post this chapter, i hope it's okay! hope everyone is having a good week :D  
> also taking a moment here to say that i hope dan and phil are really enjoying their trip to the bahamas ;)

Phil gnawed at his fingernails, staring at his bed. The duvet was all rumpled from where Dan had been sleeping in it, the pillows not laid out evenly like Phil always left them. He had opened the curtains, he didn’t really know why, it wasn’t like it made it so that he could see if Dan was alright. He felt awful, he couldn’t believe he had just done that! Sure, maybe Dan had basically dismissed the idea that Phil could ever be a friend even after he had helped him, but it didn’t mean that Phil should have forced him out onto the streets in the middle of the night! It was 3am and thanks to Phil, his old best friend was cold and alone with only the moon and stars for company. The stress of not knowing whether or not he was okay and the weight of self blame was making his head hurt. 

_ Nice one Phil,  _ he thought to himself,  _ a really charming move that was.  _

Charming. Phil silently scolded himself, he wasn’t allowed to think of any actions towards Dan as ‘charming’. He wasn’t allowed to have those feelings, it was wrong. His feelings for Dan had gotten them into this whole mess in the first place. Though he was feeling so anxious that his insomnia was even worse, his eyes still felt heavy, desperately wanting to close. But he couldn’t bring himself to sleep in the bed, not that night. It was meant to be where Dan was sleeping. Despite that, he sat on it, leaning his bed against the wall. As he did so, he purposely knocked his head back into it hard, hoping maybe he could knock some sense into himself. 

“ _ Ow!”  _ he hissed under his breath, and then rolled his eyes because what else had he been expecting? He picked up his toy lion and cuddled him close. Sometimes, as sad as it was, it felt like it was his only friend. Deciding he needed something bigger to hold, he picked up one of the pillows and squeezed it close to him, as close to a hug as he could get. He could smell Dan on it. He still smelled the same, maybe not everything had changed. If only the scent of his cologne didn’t make Phil ache. He didn’t know how else he could describe it, but it was just a painful ache that settled all through his bones and his heart and his head. It was orangey and cinnamony and just  _ Dan _ . 

“When did I get so sad?” Phil asked the room, speaking out loud so that he felt less lonely. “Sitting here thinking about what  _ Dan  _ smells like.” 

Nobody spoke back. Silent. Holding the pillow back up, he immersed himself in it, the closest he could get to Dan. He imagined him laughing at him and calling him a weirdo but in a way that screamed  _ I love you _ . 

But he didn’t love him. 

Eventually, Phil curled up into a ball, tangling himself into the bedding, squeezing his eyes shut.  

Misery came. Sleep didn’t. 

  
  


**************************

 

Phil sat behind the counter at work. People rarely came into Sonic, the store in town that basically sold every nerdy thing imaginable - manga, anime DVDs that everybody now streamed on their laptops, merchandise, video games. It was also a place known for selling ridiculous things that nobody would  _ ever  _ buy - except for Phil maybe. But he’d buy anything weird. Sometimes it was sad, seeing how it was a dying industry, but it also brought Phil a sense of comfort. Besides, he wasn’t about to moan about it being empty, it just meant less work that he had to do. He was exhausted, the week at college had been stressful. When even the slightest thing was an immense effort and struggle, the heavy workload that only got bigger was a very great weight. 

Phil’s silent musing was interrupted by the bell over the door ringing. He glanced up - and instantly wished that he hadn’t. Of all people, one of the only customers on the dreary Saturday had to be  _ Dan _ . They made eye contact. It broke instantly, only to reconnect awkwardly. It was terrible, even worse than when you see someone you know in public and you’re not quite sure if you’re supposed to say hello or not, so then you uncomfortably smile at them but they don’t see you. Except none of them smiled. 

Dan looked as if he wanted to leave immediately, hesitating slightly in the doorway. His eyes were moons of shock, fear maybe, and what looked like one of his cringe attacks. Before, Phil found them amusing, listening to his best friend talk about humiliating moments but in a somewhat comical way. Once he had somewhat recovered, Dan let the door fall shut behind him. Fixing his eyes to the wooden floor, he walked over to the other side of the shop. It was almost as if he was trying to just pretend that they hadn’t seen each other to begin with despite the definite intense staredown. As he moved, Phil couldn’t help but watch him. His long legs strode across the room, not sparing any more glances in Phil’s direction. He looked out of place. Not because you have to look a certain way to go into Sonic, but because it was a place Dan and Phil  _ used  _ to go. Back when Dan had curly hair and even though he was even then going through constant existential dread, he would still smile and laugh adorably. This was the new Dan. The guarded Dan, with a fringe perfectly straightened and positioned, a gauge in one ear, a somewhat darkened gaze. This Dan had bruises underneath his eyes as well as black hollows, signs of sleepless nights. He was skinnier, too. And this Dan would certainly never tell any of his new friends that he shopped at Sonic, the heaven of nerd stores. 

Of course, he still made Phil’s heartstrings tighten dangerously and his stomach did flips, but he also felt a strange aching sadness in his chest. Not just the sadness of missing him, the pain of all of the mistakes - but sadness in empathy for Dan, too. Because he was hiding himself, living in a shadow, a shadow that constantly feared judgement. As much as he had hurt Phil, he didn’t deserve to be living in hiding.

Jolting himself out of his thoughts, Phil shook his head a little as if to wake himself up. He instantly regretted it - the worst scenario was happening. Dan was walking towards the counter, or rather shuffling nervously, not quite meeting Phil’s eye. He was clutching a Black Butler manga under his arm, digging through his pockets for his wallet. 

“My wallet…” Dan murmured, only just clear enough to be at all distinguishable. 

Seeing through the act, Phil tried not to smile. 

“Your wallet is in your hand.” he said. He’d been trying to avoid confrontation by distraction, something Phil knew well. It was one of Dan’s best tactics when he didn’t want to speak to anyone. It never used to be Phil that he didn’t want to speak to.

Other than that, they barely said a word. No ‘hello, how are you?’ or ‘I’m really sorry for chucking you out onto the street at 3am!” - just near silence. Scanning the book, Phil risked another glance in Dan’s direction. He  _ shouldn’t  _ have risked it, because Dan was finally looking at Phil. Not for long though. It felt like a game of cat and mouse.

“That’s £8.50, please.” Phil said, and he had to clear his throat because the words came out croaky. His cheeks flushed bright red, but although Dan definitely noticed, his face remained impassive as he rooted through his wallet for the correct change. 

“I think that’s right.” Dan said softly, and as he held out his hand to pay, he was taking extra care in making sure that there was no way their fingers could accidentally touch. 

That just resulted in Phil dropping a pound coin. 

“Shit, sorry.” Dan said quickly, reaching out a hand to slap the rolling coin down flat. Just at the same time, Phil did the same, only he didn’t get the coin, he mistakenly briefly clasped Dan’s hand. He froze, and time seemed to still - but it was instantly put in fast forward when Dan flinched, yanking his hand away like it had been burnt by flame. 

It did hurt Phil. It hurt him that such a simple touch between the two of them would make Dan react in that way. Like they were the worst pairing ever 

“Thanks.” Dan muttered, and it actually sounded like he was  _ mad  _ at Phil. As if he had done something wrong… 

Bewildered, Phil stared as Dan picked up his purchase and with it tucked under his arm, pretty much sprinted from the shop. He couldn’t keep his legs from trembling slightly, whether because he was simply shocked or just unable to even hold himself straight because all he wanted to do was crumple up like a ball of paper, flying away in the wind. Staring at his fingers, which were trembling just as badly, Phil had to squeeze his eyes shut, feeling the threatening film of glassy tears slide over his eyes. 

When he opened them again, his gaze was fixed on a shelf - the wrong shelf. He shouldn’t have been looking at it! He glowered at the Blue Exorcist books, wishing the fury of his gaze was enough to incinerate them. 

 

_ **************** _

_ “Dan,  _ obviously  _ Yuki is the better brother!” Phil said, rolling his eyes, “He’s got the brains.” _

_ “Yeah,” the other boy retorted, not taking his gaze off the screen of the laptop, pressing into both of their legs from where it was between them on the bed, “But Rin has all that fiery God-like power!” _

_ Despite the fact that they were debating, Phil smiled, gleeful at having found a point to make to catch Dan out.  “You mean evil Satan-like power?” _

_ They had only started watching the anime a few hours ago, planning to only watch one episode before falling to sleep. Of course, they’d kept on clicking to play the next episode, all through the night. It’s so easy to do when each one is only twenty minutes. Through a crack in Phil’s bedroom curtains they could see the sky already starting to get light, their eyes were sleepy but they felt alert, Dan’s blow up bed on the floor completely forgotten. He had most of Phil’s duvet covering him, but Phil didn’t mind in the slightest. He liked when they shared the bed, it was warm and he always felt more comforted if he was close to him _

_ “That’s besides the point.” Dan said, and Phil instantly sensed a rant coming along. He reached out to pause the episode, “The power doesn’t make him evil. It may come from Satan, but Rin fights the darkness! It just makes him even stronger.”  _

_ Phil shook his head, pulling his blanket tighter around him. “He doesn’t even know how to control it. Yuki is so much better at knowing how to actually  _ win  _ a fight-” _

_ “But it’s not about who has better magic, it’s just about which is a better character and brother.” _

_ Laughing (and instantly clapping a hand over his mouth so that he didn’t wake his parents next door), Phil pointed out, “You’re just saying that because you know Rin has the  _ potential  _ to be a better fighter, he just is too reckless and immature to master it.” _

_ Looking offended, Dan sat up straighter, and he turned to face Phil dead on.  _

Here we go,  _ the older of the two thought to himself.  _

_ “He isn’t any of those things! He just isn’t as uptight as Yukio!” Dan paused for a second, before adding, “And now you’re just insulting  _ me _!” _

_ “What do you mean now?” Phil echoed in disbelief.  _

_ “Well, how do I know that you aren’t calling  _ me  _ reckless and immature?!” _

_ “Because, you spoon, at which point did I target you in that assessment?”  _

_ As they argued, Phil couldn’t get his eyes to leave Dan’s lips. He sort of hated himself for thinking it, but suddenly all he wanted to do was kiss him. It was like some clawing itch inside of him, torture but lovely all at once. When Dan was passionate about something, his face just did this  _ thing _. There was no way that Phil could describe it, but it was just so insanely adorable and hot at the same time.  _

_ Between them, the air seemed to crackle with buzzing electricity. It just made Phil think… What if Dan feels it too? The energy was hot and sweaty, despite the warmth of the blankets and duvets bundled around them and the cocoon of pillows they had arranged for himself. Looking sleepy, Dan’s eyes were sort of bleary, his brown hair was a bit messy, the curls tousled around in disorder. Discreetly, Phil had to crush his hands into fists, an attempt at refraining from just reaching out and knotting his fingers into the back of Dan’s head, pulling him close, their lips touching…  _

_ He was barely even listening to anything he was saying now. The dreams in his mind suddenly felt all too real, clouds of colour seeping right from his head and into his little room.  _

_ “...and there’s no denying that Rin is just so much more hot than Yukio!” Dan finished, and then he paused.  _

_ Phil paused too, though he didn’t show it - it was his heart that did so. It wasn’t a big deal, not in the slightest. But it was like a tiny little glimmer of hope. Deciding to brush over his words, Dan turned back to the screen, falling quiet and their debate very clearly over. And the buzzing stopped. Knowing Dan liked to win, Phil relented. _

_ “Alright, in this scenario, Rin wins.” he said, and then he pressed play again. _

_ They barely said another word, and the whole time leading up to the moment that they fell asleep, Phil couldn’t pay attention. He was just thinking about those thoughts that had been flooding through his head, thinking about everything he wanted but could never have. The hope was instantly gone. He was certain he must have imagined it - if there really  _ had  _ been something, Dan must have noticed. But if he did, he hadn’t shown it. Not that Phil had shown it either, but still. Eyes glued to the screen, he was all too aware of Dan’s side pressed into him, all too aware of the way he kept yawning. God, even his  _ yawns  _ were adorable. And all night, he kept hating himself for tricking himself into believing something that couldn’t possibly be true... _

_ But then again, he knew Dan. He knew Dan better than anybody else in the world. And somehow, deep in the pit of his heart, Phil knew that Dan had felt it too. It was why he’d gone so quiet and tense, and why he probably wasn’t paying attention to the show either. The air swirled with thoughts and confused feelings.  _

_ Dan had felt it there. You can’t light a fire with just the match alone - it always needs a starting spark.  _

 

_ **************** _

 

Somewhat roughly, Phil yanked himself out of the memory. It seemed so long ago now - they had been fourteen. Two years, nearly three, didn’t really seem like a lot; though it seemed like an entire lifetime ago. A lifetime where Phil wasn’t sad and lonely and he had his best friend. There may have always been a constant ache in his chest where his heart was, but he’d take that any day over the pain of seeing him, seeing Dan. Looking away from the shelf, his eyes drifted down to the counter. 

“Of course.” Phil whispered, though it came out more a loud exclamation, he was glad nobody else was in the shop. Frustrated, he stared at the wallet on the surface. He wished it wasn’t, but he knew it was Dan’s. Nobody else had been in the shop since Phil opened, and he had had the same one since he was twelve. It was battered. “Of course he leaves his wallet here.”

Reluctantly, he reached out and picked it up. He looked at it for a moment too long, and then back to the glass window. Dan was definitely long gone. 

“That’s just bloody  _ fantastic _ .” 

“Did you say something Phil?”

Nearly jumping out of his skin, Phil turned to see his manager Billy coming in through the back of the shop, carrying a box of very outdated Simpsons merchandise that Phil knew nobody in their right mind would ever buy. He decided not to comment on that fact, instead holding up the wallet. He looked at it, and then his face fell. 

“No, it’s nothing.” he muttered, “Nothing at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	4. weird around you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels like all I ever say is sorry that I'm taking so long with updates... sorry for taking so long with updates! :D  
> Also thank you to those who are reading this story, it means the world :)
> 
> I just want to say, I in no way am trying to say that Dan's family life was like in this story and for those purposes I'm going to be changing the names of his parents, and also in this Dan is an only child.
> 
> Also TW for references to child abuse though not really in detail.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Staring at the wallet, Phil’s stomach churned. He knew that he should have just left it at the shop and that Dan would eventually realise he had lost it and go to retrieve it, or if there were some kind of contact details in it then Phil’s manager Billy could phone him and get him to pick it up. But no, Phil had taken it upon himself to take Dan’s wallet home with him. Not like he was planning to steal it, he intended to just give it back to him. Though instead of just doing what he originally thought, which was post it through Dan’s letter box on the way home, he had backed out of doing that; now Dan’s wallet was on Phil’s bed. His battered old wallet with Adventure Time characters all over it. Very nearly, Phil’s thoughts drifted back to days after school that the two of them would sit in Phil’s living room, having raided the kitchen of anything edible to have as snacks, Adventure Time endlessly lighting up the screen of the TV. Somehow, he managed to restrain his mind. Living in memories of the past was all too normal for Phil now, always day dreaming of better times. All it achieved was make him feel more lonely, and all the more aware of how much he missed his best friend. And how Phil’s more than friendly feelings for him had just screwed everything up. Sighing, he opened his laptop. Facebook was already up on the screen, he hadn’t properly turned it off before. Instantly, his eyes slid to the contact bar on the right side of the screen - Dan’s name was  _ still  _ at the top. It made sense, he was the only person Phil ever used to talk to, and it wasn’t like he had been talking to anyone else when it wasn’t required of him. The only socialising he did was forced, his free time always spent doing things alone. Reluctantly, he moved the mouse to hover over his name.  _ Daniel Howell _ . The name was enough to make Phil’s lungs feel like collapsing. He hadn’t even clicked on it to open the chat window and his fingers had started to tremble. 

“Grow up, Phil.” he told himself, and then he clicked. 

He instantly regretted it. The first thing he saw was the last ever message they had shared. It was from Phil of course, and Dan had read it without replying. Phil had almost completely forgotten he sent it, and he felt a little embarrassed, but also just  _ pained _ . 

 

_  Dan, I’m sorry about what happened tonight. I was drunk, I don’t know what came over me. Are we ok though? Please don’t be mad.  _

 

Instantly, Phil sniffed as tears began to swim in his eyes, but he quickly blinked them away. How could Dan read that and not reply? That alone was enough evidence that Dan didn’t care about him anymore, that everything was over. For good. Though even for months after that, every single day Phil would wait and wait and wait and see if Dan would message him. And then he started hanging out with new people. He made new friends. It slowly started to sink in that Dan  _ was  _ mad, and he would never forgive Phil for kissing him. 

Part of Phil hated Dan. How could he be so angry at Phil for simply having the feelings he was having? 

He’d refrained from reading back old messages for so long. He just had to type the message and be done with it. 

Slowly, his shaking fingers moved across the keys. He started to type multiple messages. None of them sounded right. 

_ I have your wallet, want to meet and get it back?  _

“Phil, you sound like you’re holding the wallet for ransom or something.” he said aloud to himself, reading the message and screwing up his face in distaste. He backspaced it all, and then tried again. 

_ Hi Dan!! You left your wallet in the shop XD  _

“That’s great!” Phil said, nodding his head, and he so nearly pressed enter… “Oh god. Way too friendly. And an x-d face?” 

This went on for a while. He had to converse with himself many times, and soon he realised how ridiculous he was being. It was just a simple message, right? 

Wrong. 

Phil then realised that he couldn’t possibly send a message to Dan, because that was like a really terrible case of double texting. The stress of trying to plan a message was all a bit too much. Phil’s head ached from staring at the screen from so long, and he felt incredibly disheartened. It never  _ used  _ to be hard to speak to Dan. Not at all. And now they were all awkward silences and avoiding eye contact and spending a good part of an hour just trying to  _ script  _ a stupid message. 

Not caring that his family was home, Phil groaned. Loudly. It was more of a very despairing shout. He sank against his cushions, lying down and burying his face into the pillow. A second later, his door was pushed open. 

“Knock!” Phil protested, but when he just heard the visitor continuing to walk into the room he uncovered his eyes. “Oh. Hi Martyn. I didn’t know you were home yet.”

His older brother gave him a look, flopping down onto the end of the bed. “What’s wrong with  _ you _ ?”

“Nothing is wrong with me.” Phil lied, a lie that always came so naturally to him. The only person (other than Dan) who always knew that he was lying was Martyn. This day was no exception, he didn’t ask again but just stared at Phil waiting for a straight answer. 

They didn’t talk as much anymore. Not that they didn’t get on, they never argued or anything, but they just weren’t really as close. It was difficult when Martyn was always working late and studying for college trying to get into university and.... Well. The fact that Phil had shut everybody out over the past six months had made it pretty hard too. 

“It’s really nothing.” Phil tried to lie again. Although he knew that his older brother would  _ never  _ get annoyed with him for it, he always worried about burdening people with his own troubles.  _ Especially things as pathetic as this _ …  “It’s… well-”

“Is it about Dan?” 

Instantly, Phil felt his face going from so pale that it blended into the walls to complete beetroot red. Martyn knew about everything with Dan that had been going on, he even knew about the kiss they’d shared that awful night in the park. Unless Dan had told anybody, Martyn was the only outsider who knew. They hadn’t spoken about him in weeks though, even months. 

“How did you know?” Phil demanded to know, his voice raising to a squeak and he sat a little straighter, refusing to properly meet Martyn’s eye. 

His older brother shrugged, “Mum said that he stayed over the other night. She also said that he seemed to be gone by six in the morning.”

“Yeah.” Phil muttered, shaking his head. He bunched his body up into a tight ball, leaning his head against his knees. “We’re not friends again, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Then why…?”

“He was really badly beaten up and had nowhere else to go. So me being me I let him sleep here, and him being him… no. He didn’t even do anything and... I kicked him out.” he admitted at last, tone dripping with shame.

Martyn didn’t look shocked or confused or anything like Phil expected, instead he snorted with laughter. Catching how incredulously his younger brother was looking at him, he changed his expression to one of defence. “It kind of makes sense that I think the guy who was a complete dick to you deserved to be kicked out of our house.”

“But I was more-”

“Don’t you dare say that kicking him out after he no doubt said something to make you do that, you don’t even have to tell me, is worse than what he did to you.”

“But-”

“Look, Phil.” Martyn cut him off, his tone gentle but assertive all at once. “All you did was love him.”

“I never  _ loved  _ him!” Phil had never interrupted somebody faster, but Martyn acted as if he hadn’t even said anything. 

“And all he did was make you feel like shit because of that. Don’t let yourself stress about him.” 

Falling silent, Phil stared down at his bed so he didn’t have to meet Martyn’s eyes. He knew deep down that he was right. But he still couldn’t get rid of that twisting pain in his stomach, the nagging guilt weighing him down. It wasn’t even the fact that he had kicked him out, not really. It was the fact that there was a chance for reconciliation and he had severed that chance.

They were definitely wise words, though it wasn’t exactly the help that Phil needed. Martyn had gotten up and moved towards the door when Phil said, “The real problem is that I stole his wallet.”

It was unclear if Martyn looked amused or entirely bewildered when he turned around and stared at his brother with slightly narrowed eyes. 

“You  _ stole  _ Dan’s wallet?” 

“Well I didn’t  _ steal  _ it exactly!” Phil corrected hurriedly, realising that he hadn’t worded it well at all. “He just left it in the shop.” 

“Oh, so it’s just at the shop and had nothing whatsoever to do with you stealing from a customer, right?” Martyn asked, but it was already clear that he didn’t believe that to be the case. 

“Uh…” Phil held up the wallet, and Martyn rolled his eyes. 

“Isn’t there some kind of law against shop assistants in comic book stores stealing from their customers? Even if it was left behind-”

“No, no, I know.” Phil sighed. “I just thought I’d give it to him myself and it’d be easier. I guess I should’ve taken into account that we don’t see each other  _ or  _ speak anymore.”

Despite the disbelieving look that Martyn always got on his face whenever Phil did any of the remotely bizarre things he was perfect at doing, he smiled. “Well maybe now you have the perfect reason to.”

 

**********************

Ignoring how his legs and hands were shaking, Phil walked down the road that Dan’s house was on. He’d planned it through perfectly - if he went at a time where everybody else would be out at work or college, he could just go and post Dan’s wallet through the letterbox without having to see or talk to anyone. It was the perfect solution. He just wished that walking down Dan’s road didn’t make him tremble like he was, and that it didn’t bring back floods of memories of childhood days spent running around the block, making up random games to play that didn’t involve running into the road because his mum would always tell them off. The closer he got, the shaking increased. He felt like a huge trembling ball of nerves and fear. 

_ Stop being so ridiculous  _ he warned himself.  _ It’s  _ just  _ a house _ … 

He found it difficult doing things like this anyway. Going to people’s houses and knocking doors, having to talk to people - definitely not high on the list of activities he enjoyed to do. But this was different, he  _ wasn’t _ talking to anyone  _ or  _ knocking on the door, and besides: it was Dan’s house. 

Dan’s house where Phil had spent so many Saturday mornings lazing around watching TV after sleepovers. Dan’s house where they used to lie to his parents and say they were going to sleep when really they would spend all night watching dumb movies and TV shows. Dan’s house where… where Dan lived. And lately, Dan wasn’t bringing Phil much joy. 

Silently cursing himself and his idiotic behaviour, Phil squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to keep any tears from trailing down his cheeks. It was ridiculous, he had no reason to be getting upset whatsoever. Though he hadn’t really thought about how hard it would be. 

At last, he reached the gate of the very short path up to Dan’s house. Before pushing it open, he had to attempt to steady his breaths. 

_ It’s just a few footsteps,  _ he reminded himself,  _ and then you can be on your way _ . He reached into his pocket and pulled out Dan’s wallet. He didn’t even know if this would be the last time he ever came close to Dan again, just stood like a dumbass outside him home, not even on the outside. Just looking in, never able to get close. Shaking his head, he decided the best thing to do was just to bite the bullet and get it over with. He was making it a lot harder than it was by hanging around stupidly, and if anybody could see him they’d probably assume he was a freak. 

Rolling his eyes, he stepped closer and placed a hand on the gate, ready for it to swing open. Of course,  _ just his luck _ , the front door opened. 

Stifling a string of indecent slurs, Phil took a couple of steps backwards before freezing uncertainly. For a second he actually thought that he could just run away and she wouldn’t notice, but sure enough Dan’s mum stood in the doorway with a bag of rubbish in her hand. 

“Oh, hi Phil!” she said with a very bright grin, so bright that it unsettled Phil completely. “It’s been so long, how are you?” 

Phil hesitated, not really sure what to say, but when he opened his mouth to reply she said, “Let me just put this in the bin…”

Phil watched her as she moved towards the wheelie bin, and then suddenly realised the polite thing to do. He moved rapidly towards it, opening the lid for her to put the bin bag into it. She thanked him, and then to his mild horror she opened her arms and pulled him in for a hug. For the slightest fraction of a second he went rigid, not really sure how to respond, and then he lifted his arms to hug back. He wanted to close his eyes and cocoon himself in her embrace. She was always a hugger, and the number of times she had hugged Phil after having to bandage him up after yet another accident he’d had playing outside with Dan… it was so familiar yet so foreign all the same. 

“I’m good.” Phil replied at last, knowing that she wouldn’t pick up on the way his words caught, stumbling a little over the lie. 

“Where’ve you been, Phil?” She said jokingly, but there was no denying the question was real as well. “This house has been really missing your charm!”

Feeling his cheeks flame up, Phil smiled awkwardly, tightening his grip on Dan’s wallet. He guessed that there was no way she knew the true story. Did she still think Dan and Phil were still friends? 

“Oh,” he said flatly, trying to force himself to be animated did nothing. “You know… college.”

“Well why don’t you tell me all about it inside?” she said, “It’s cold out here.”

Phil felt the opposite of cold, he felt sweaty from the nerves. She started to walk towards the door and he held up the wallet lamely, “I just came to drop this off actually, I don’t-”

“Oh nonsense, dinner will be done in a few minutes and I always make enough. I’m used to cooking for three boys! Dan and his dad may be growing boys but even  _ they  _ don’t finish it all.”

Phil knew there was no escaping it. This really hadn’t gone to plan - Dan’s parents used to always be working at this time! And Dan… didn’t go to college anymore. Of course. Nervously, Phil stepped towards the door, shoving the wallet back into the pocket of his jeans and chewing on his lips, a bad habit that he had.

“I really don’t want to intrude-” Phil said, but he had already been ushered into the hallway and Dan’s mum had closed the front door. There was no going back. His eyes quickly scanned the entrance to the house - it was just the same as always. Dan’s shoes left messily thrown to the side, the same paintings on the walls, a photograph of Dan when he was little. 

“Dan!” She called up the stairs before turning round to face him again, “Oh don’t be ridiculous Phil! You could never impose.”

Just then, they both heard the familiar sound of Dan’s footsteps on the top of the stairs. Phil was terrified. Why was he terrified? He wanted to just shrink into himself. His heart was pounding. 

“Look who I found outside!” Dan’s mum told him as he got to the bottom of the stairs, he didn’t even look that surprised. He gave Phil a very brief look but other than that just looked at his mum and smiled. Phil was pretty sure that it was forced, it wasn’t meeting his eyes. Despite his body being completely overtaken by just discomforting fear, he also felt a stab of anger when he saw Dan’s face. The bruise was even worse, the skin darkened so much that it looked black, slightly scabbed over. The split lip looked like it had been bleeding, his mouth slightly more scarlet than sore lips usually were. 

“You two go into the dining room while I finish up.”

A pause. Then Dan nodded and jumped down from the bottom step onto the floor, Mrs. Howell walked off up the hallway towards the kitchen. Barely sparing a second to acknowledge his old friend anymore, Dan walked across to the dining room. Feeling so uncomfortable that he was really struggling to not visibly cringe, Phil followed his old friend. He’d completely forgotten about the wallet, he didn’t even know what to say to explain his presence. He wanted to speak, mostly because the silence was so painful, but he couldn’t even begin to prepare himself to form any actual words. Instead, he just did what he used to always do. He went across to the drawers, Dan had just opened the top one and got out four place mats. Phil always used to do knives and forks. He stared down at the silverware. Just as he was about to pick them up, Dan returned, having set the places. 

“You don’t have to do that.” he said. Phil tried to work out what emotion was in the words, but it didn’t even seem like there was any. It was completely robotic. In a way, it would have been better if he ask Phil what the hell he was doing there or something, but no. Nothing. 

“It’s okay.” Phil replied, surprisingly his voice didn’t tremble as much as he was internally.  He wondered if that were the case for Dan. But he was also pretty sure that Dan hated his guts. He wouldn’t blame him. 

“Really-” Dan said, but Phil interrupted him. 

“I want to.” he insisted. “It’s the least I could do for crashing your dinner.”

Phil wondered if he imagined it, but it looked like Dan’s jaw clenched, only for a tiny bit. And then he just kind of shrugged and let Phil set out the cutlery, setting out glasses instead. It was completely silent but for the clinking of tableware, and the silence seemed deadly. At least, though, doing something so familiar brought a little bit of peace to Phil’s mind. 

Just then, the dining room door was pushed further open and Dan’s dad walked into the room. Instantly, Phil felt a fiery flame fuelling through him and he felt the urge to ball his hands up into fists, so tightly that his nails would dig into his skin. Out of the corner of his eye he glanced back to Dan’s beaten face. Then his gaze fell down to his dad’s hands, the hands that he used to hit his own son. It made Phil sick to the stomach. And the worst part was, there was no way Dan would ever forgive him if he said anything. It’d be Phil’s fault when really, his dad was the one who deserved to be punished. 

“Hello Phil!” he said, like he was the friendliest guy on earth. 

Phil risked a glance at Dan. Dan had his eyes on the floor, not meeting anyone else's. Turning his head back, he had no other choice but to smile at Dan’s dad. It wasn’t a real smile, and he was certain that Mr Howell knew it. “Hi.” he said. 

“How are you, young man?” he asked, speaking as he moved to the chair at the head of the table, pulling it out and sitting.

“I’m very well, thanks.” Phil said. He couldn’t stop himself from looking back to Dan, it was easier than having to face his dad. 

If it were anyone else, Phil would have asked the same question back, he would have politely made conversation and smiled at what they said. But he would never allow such pleasantries to that man. Phil was doing him a favour, one he really hated doing, in not telling anybody what he knew happened behind closed doors. 

The thing was, Dan only told Phil properly once, years ago, that his Dad hurt him. All the other times, Phil just  _ knew _ . He could always tell. 

The most painful thing was, he also knew that it wasn’t just because he was there that Dan was being so quiet, refusing to look at anyone properly, keeping his head down. It was the way he always at home. Because if he wasn’t, he never knew what he could get into trouble for. It was so unlike his true self - loud and funny and confident. Always walking on eggshells like they were shards of glass, not even daring to put his foot down flat. 

“Sorry, sorry.” Diane, Dan’s mum, said as she rushed into the room carrying two plates of food. She was a great chef, and Phil would be lying if he said the smell wasn’t making his mouth water. “I forgot about the peas so it’s a little later than planned!”

She placed one plate in front of her husband and the other in the place Phil was stood nearest to. “Sit down, boys!” she said. 

Dan and Phil did as she instructed, pulling out chairs side by side. Phil was glad, it was either that or opposite each other, and being opposite each other would mean the only places to look were at their plates or at each other. 

Dan’s dad started eating, smacking his lips together. Phil waited until Dan’s mum had sat down herself.

...And so the most uncomfortable meal of Phil’s existence began. 


	5. teen idle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the wait, I hope this chapter is okay! I have a week off from exams now so I'll be using the break to write some more hopefully, I hope you enjoy this!

“So, Phil, how’s college?” Dan’s dad asked, talking round a mouthful of food and fixing Phil with his icy eyes; eyes of steeliness such as his could only belong to an unemotional robot like Mr Howell.

Covering his mouth with his hand as he swallowed and ducking his eyes to Mr Howell’s shoulder, unable to look at him without wanting to clench his fists around his knife and fork so tightly that his nails carve the skin of his palms with symbols of rage; Phil said, “Oh, it’s good. You know… it’s college.”

“Actually,  _ Daniel  _ doesn’t know.” The man replied. Phil didn’t even have to look in Dan’s direction to know that he was hanging his head in shame, not wanting to meet the eyes of his dad. 

“Neil-” Dianne started to say, perhaps reproachfully, Phil wondered if she  _ always  _ tried to stop him from tormenting their son or if it was just for Phil’s benefit. Interrupting her, Neil’s cold brown eyes that looked more like black rested on Dan. Phil didn’t think he had ever seen disappointment so personified, in the shape of an actual man - it was always just a light tone or brief shame in somebody. This, however, was like a heavy weight that made Phil and the room seem so weak that they would shatter into a million pieces from the strain… Phil could only wonder how much Dan suffered with that weight. 

“Isn’t that right, Daniel?” Mr Howell barked, “See, Phil here is the  _ perfect  _ example of what a young boy  _ should  _ be doing.”

For the first time, Phil turned his head and let himself properly look at Dan. He wasn’t looking at anything really, just focusing on lifting his fork to his mouth and opening to chew. Although he was saying absolutely nothing himself, Phil felt ropes of guilt inside of him knotting together, tightly and painfully pulled in all directions.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you, Daniel.” Mr Howell snapped, and instantly Dan lifted his head, nervously meeting his dad’s gaze. Phil, unable to help himself, stared at his old best friend without noticing how obvious he was being - he had changed. And his father had never acted this way when Phil was actually in the house… he wondered just how bad things were. He looked afraid, an expression of fear the same shade of ugly purple and blackening shadows that met the bruise across his face. “Wouldn’t you agree?” Mr Howell asked. 

Swallowing and coughing to clear his throat, Dan mumbled, “Agree with what, dad?” he asked. 

Phil turned his eyeline to focus on Dan’s mum. Diane was staring at her plate too intently, focusing too much on the motions of cutting her food, practically sawing it when it was already finely chopped in pieces. Clenching his toes together through his shoes, Phil had to fight to consume his anger. He wasn’t afraid of Mr Howell, but he knew Dan wouldn’t forgive him and he definitely wouldn’t benefit if Phil said anything. All he wanted to do was stand on his chair and shout at her, begging her to realise what was going on, tell her she had to stop letting the hateful fire that her husband laid out to scorch their only child’s every step from burning through the house. Instead, he bit his tongue. 

“Wouldn’t you agree that Phil is the perfect example of what you  _ should  _ be doing?” 

It just got more and more painfully uncomfortable as the meal went on, and Phil returned his gaze to Dan. He instantly wished he hadn’t, because they both met one another’s eye at the exact same time. Like the contact had zapped them both, sending shocks through their veins straight to their hearts, the locked gaze flew away immediately. 

“I guess so.” Dan replied, his voice a low and embarrassed mumble. 

Any other time, Dan referring to Phil as anything like ‘perfect’ after everything over the past few months would make his heart soar - however, in these circumstances it just made Phil feel like he was making everything worse. He wasn’t a violent person, the only time that he was outwardly angry was when he was getting competitive in a frustrating game… but now, sat at the dinner table with the broken family that was the Howell family, he was angry. He was fuming, he wanted to lose control. He didn’t  _ have  _ to be looking at Dan, he hadn’t have to still be his friend to know that the boy was lost in a world of lonely misery, feeling like a failure, disappointed in himself, made to feel like he was good for nothing but letting everyone down. Phil being ‘perfect’ and him being… the opposite.

“Now tell me Phil, would  _ you  _ ever consider throwing your future away and dropping out of college?” 

“Neil..” Dianne tried again, and again he ignored he. 

Phil wished that it was a rhetorical question but he knew an answer was expected of him. He swallowed his mouthful of food, and then shrugged but sort of shook his head, not sure what sort of answer to give. He wondered if Dan felt betrayed or if he felt humiliated or any of the possible  _ millions  _ of things he could be feeling, he couldn’t bring himself to look at anymore. It hurt too much to see what this house was doing to him and having to sit there, watching one of the many ways that Dan was being ruined and not being able to do  _ anything _ . 

“No.” Mr Howell said, satisfied, not bothering to pause the conversation as continued shovelling dinner into his mouth. “And tell me Phil, would you ever destroy the life that you had been gifted by your parents by poisoning it with drugs?”

Shocked by the abruptness of the question, Phil jerked his head up, putting down his fork as he started at Dan’s dad with wide eyes. Did he really think that he had  _ gifted  _ Dan with a life when it was a life of violence and never being safe in his own home? A life of misery and solitary sadness… It didn’t matter what was going on between Dan and Phil or what  _ wasn’t  _ going on - there was no person that Phil despised quite like he did Dan’s dad.

“Erm… no.” He replied flatly, because he wouldn’t, of course he wouldn’t, and he wished so badly that Dan wouldn’t do it. He wished so badly that he wasn’t friends with the people that he was… but Dan wasn’t gifted with his life by his  _ parents _ . They were the reason it was a living hell, and Phil didn’t need to be on good terms with Dan to know so. He could see the darkness that clouded him, it took up the whole room. 

“Neil, is this really the sort of conversation to be having in front of a guest?” Diane asked, and that, at least, seemed to silence him. 

The quiet fell sharply, like a blade through the ice of the room. It didn’t make anything better, but at least Phil didn’t have to worry about any uncomfortable questions. As he finished his food, putting his knife down he glanced at Dan again. Dan looked straight back at him. They didn’t flinch away from it. They just… looked. They took in what was sat beside them and just for a second, it felt like everything could be normal. Like this way just another dinner with his best friend and his family and that even if the world was crashing all around them, they still had each other. 

Except Dan had never invited Phil. Phil wasn’t meant to be there. He was meant to be at his own house, alone and with nobody else on earth because his only friend had been Dan and that was over. Sometimes though, it was nice to pretend. As unpleasant as the dinner had been, Phil could only count his blessings. It wasn’t every day that he got to see Dan.

The sound of clattering signalled that everybody had put their knives and forks down and that the dinner was over. Phil hadn’t ever felt so relieved. As Mrs Howell got up and collected up the plates, Dan rose to his feet as well. 

“May I be excused?” he asked, his voice low and somewhat nervous. 

Dan had always been polite, but the manners he showed around his dad were more rigid, on edge, a requirement to scraping by with the minimal amount of conflict.

“Yes, boys of course you may leave.” Dan’s mum said with a grin, and there was an awkward moment of stumbling as Phil got to his feet as well. 

He opened his mouth to speak, but she continued before he could, “Are you going to go upstairs and play video games?”

They both looked at each other again, and this  _ wasn’t  _ a comfortable look that brought them back to the past. It was just… well.  _ Awkward _ . 

Saving Dan from having to say anything along the lines of not wanting Phil staying, Phil said, “Actually, Mrs Howell, I better get going. My mum will be wondering where I’ve got to.”

Dan’s relief lit up the room.

“You’re a good boy, Phil.” Mr Howell said, bringing all the eyes back to him, nervous eyes. “Somebody who actually  _ respects  _ his parents.”

Knowing that was another dig at Dan, Phil couldn’t really think of another response to that, so instead he smiled, just his mouth smiled though, his eyes didn’t. “Thank you for dinner.” he said, “It was lovely.” 

“Oh, anytime, Phil.” Diane said, and she looked confused. She had no idea about the changed dynamic about Dan and Phil. She couldn’t understand why the best friends in the world who were always joint at the hip were wanting to spend as little time as possible together. “You know you’re welcome anytime.”

There was another strained silence of hesitation, Dan and Phil hovering by the dining table with clear uncertainty. Thanking the room at large again, Phil started to move towards the door, and of course Mrs Howell gave her son a  _ look  _ to tell him to walk him out. 

Dan followed behind him, walking slowly down the hall and to the front door. 

“Uh- bye, then.” he said, the question clear in his voice. 

Phil had completely forgotten why he had showed up in the first place, but the obvious tone of confusion that showed he wasn’t supposed to be going to Dan’s house anymore reminded him. “Oh, right, I forgot.” Phil said, shaking his head and forcing a light laugh, digging his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out the old Adventure Time wallet. “You left this in the shop the other day.”

Smiles that never met their eyes seemed to be commonplace for the two of them, Dan taking it from Phil. “Oh right, yeah I was worried about that.” 

“Yeah, sorry for gatecrashing but I was just dropping it round and your mum invited me in for dinner and she sort of wouldn’t take no-”

“Phil, you don’t have to be sorry.” Dan cut him off, waving the hand that held the wallet disregarding. “It was nice of you. Thank you.” 

They stared at each other, measuring each other in size. Phil wondered if it was nice of him or just selfish. Maybe deep down he knew that Dan would be there, he had been told that he left college by Dan himself; and he was likely to be grounded or something after showing up at home completely high. Of course Dan would be at home - not wanting to see Phil. And yet here Phil was. He couldn’t believe he was doing something nice, he  _ always  _ had to be in the wrong. 

“So I’ll just be going then.” Phil said, backing into the front doorway. 

“Oh, right, sorry.” Dan said, he leaned forwards and reached round Phil to open the door. It was an awkward way to do it, their bodies close together, making it more difficult to avoid looking at one another directly. “Thanks again.”

“Thank you for dinner.” Phil said, formal. Painfully formal. 

“You’re always welcome,” Dan replied, and it felt like he was saying the opposite. 

He was being friendly, relatively so - but they could never again be ‘welcome’ in one another’s life. Phil shouldn’t  _ want  _ to be offered a ‘welcome’ after everything. He shouldn’t get butterflies and feel so nervous around Dan. He should be bitter and cold. Yet here he was. 

Also, he didn’t  _ want  _ to be bitter. Dan didn’t have any kindness in his life, that’s what it looked like - it was the least Phil could offer him.

“Thanks.” Phil repeated, the word falling off his tongue like a chant. 

“Thank you for…” Dan trailed off, holding up the wallet to show what he meant. 

They smiled. 

Small smiles. But… it was almost as if it  _ did  _ meet their eyes. The slightest ember lighting up. And then Phil turned around and walked off, down the path, away from the Howell house.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to get to the good part already, I don't know why I chose to write something so angsty haha, but I hope this chapter was okay :)


	6. the calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry I'm taking so long with this story, I know it's kind of boring at the moment and the chapters are so short! But not to worry, only 6 more exams to go and I'm free for the Summer! Thanks for sticking around :D

“Phil?” His mum called from the kitchen the moment she heard the door opening, coming out into the hallway just as Phil was closing the door. “Hi honey, what are you doing home so late?”

It was already dark outside, the sky had progressed from twilight to pitch black over the relatively short walk home from Dan’s. 

“Hi mum.” Phil replied, swinging his backpack from his shoulder, “I was just-” he broke off. He was so close to telling her where he had been, but then he remembered the hope in her face when she had found out about Dan going over the other night; if she found out they had seen each other again she’d get even more hopeful. She’d think her Phil was on track to being back to normal, his best friend back in his life. 

“I was just with a friend.” he finished instead. It sounded like such a  _ wrong  _ word. Could he even count Dan as a  _ friend _ ? And that meal had been anything but friendly, he still felt awkward just thinking about how uncomfortable he had felt. And he felt so  _ guilty _ . Dan was miserable in that house and it was because of his own parents. Phil just wanted to hold him close and tell him that everything would be okay, but how could he do that when it seemed like nothing would ever be okay again. 

“A friend?” his mum echoed, and she even seemed hopeful by  _ that _ .  _ Praise the Lord, Phil has a friend! _ “Do I know this friend? Is it someone special?”

Feeling his cheeks go pink, Phil slid off his shoes and started walking towards the staircase, “No, nobody special, and nobody that you know.” he lied as he began heading up to his room, adding over his shoulder, “And I already ate.”

“Ooh a friend who you get dinner with!” His mum continued to tease, Phil just rolled his eyes and hurried the rest of the way. 

The moment he was in the safety of his own room with the door tightly shut, he flopped himself down onto his bed. He wasn’t really sure what to feel. Lying back and staring up at the ceiling, he thought over every detail of that dinner. Maybe he should just forget about it and move on, he wondered. He wasn’t supposed to be there anyway, Dan didn’t want him there, they weren’t friends. But Phil would always care about Dan, no matter what. There was a strange ache in his chest, more so than usual, he always ached slightly when he thought about the sad loneliness that forever lingered above him - this was just a bad feeling. A very bad feeling. 

In his head, he was seeing that ember that just about lit up when they smiled at one another. It had seemed like the first time either of them had properly smiled and meant it in so long. He had left the Howell house but his head was still there. Dan, loud and obnoxious Dan, Dan who was so tall that he just filled up any room; he had been so small and quiet. Timid. Not the Dan Phil knew and loved. Not that he loved him or anything like that, of course. With a sigh, Phil stretched to turn on the small TV at the end of his bed, switching on the crappy playstation he had had for years, hoping it would ease his restless thoughts. 

 *******************

Later - much later, it was just nearing 2am - Phil was just settling down to try and sleep, and he decided to check facebook. He always did so, even though nobody ever messaged him or had any interest in him whatsoever, yet it didn’t stop the cycle of constantly signing in anyway. As he rested back against the pillows with his laptop on his lap, he felt quite saddened and even more like a loser when he actually got excited to see he had a message. The excitement was quickly confused by a sensation much like Phil’s entire insides dropping down to a dark pit in his stomach when he saw that it was from Dan of all people. Why now? Why after almost seven months was he messaging? Despite himself, Phil’s heart was thudding in his chest, heavy pounding. 

“Stop being such an idiot, Phil.” he muttered out loud to himself, shaking his head. Reluctantly, he moved his fingers across the touchpad and clicked on the message. 

He wasn’t sure if he was relieved by the simple message or if he was disappointed, but then he didn’t know what he expected. One dinner that Dan didn’t even want, and Dan was messaging him saying he regretted everything and was madly in love with Phil after all? No, that didn’t seem very likely. 

 

**Dan Howell: hey just wanted to say thanks again for dropping round my wallet!**

 

It was so short and simple. Like old friends. After the last messages… after everything. And that was all he had to say. But again, Phil thought, he couldn’t really do anything else. And Dan was polite, he was just being kind and expressing his gratitude. However,  noticing how long ago the message was sent, Phil felt like an idiot for not replying sooner. What if Dan had  _ really  _ just been trying to make conversation? It was a dumb hope, and also kind of pathetic Phil thought, but then it was Dan. He was always pathetic when it came to Dan. 

Without really thinking at first, Phil typed out a response. And then he backtracked, and then he tried again, and then backspaced one more. Finally, after some very well thought out planning, he had a product to be proud of:

 

**Phil Lester: it was no problem! I was in the area anyway :D**

 

As soon as he sent it, he knew that he was  _ not  _ proud of that. The face was way too smiley, he sounded so enthusiastic. Dan would probably think he was being freaky and remove him as a friend on facebook entirely! 

To make matters worse, or maybe a little better, Dan replied instantly. Phil cursed silently, why was Dan awake this late? Phil was the only one ever online at this hour. 

 

**Dan Howell: thanks anyway**

 

That was it, and Phil was relieved but also offended that the conversation had been so brief. He was just beginning to think that Dan was definitely just trying to be polite when he sent another message. 

 

**Dan Howell: i never knew you worked at sonic**

 

That alone was enough to send the thoughts in Phil’s head running wild. He wished so badly that the simplest things like  _ messaging somebody _ , such a small and simple thing, didn’t send his anxiety into overdrive; there was no denying that his heart was thudding harder than ever. It made matters even worse that it was Dan. Dan was messaging him! Dan was making conversation with him! Again, he hesitated a lot as he tried to decide what to say. 

 

**Phil Lester: a couple of months ago, i was going to tell you**

 

The minute his finger pressed to send, he regretted it. That was such an awkward response!  _ Yeah, I was going to tell you but you were acting like I didn’t exist after I kissed you so yeah, there’s one of the many details in my life you missed!  _ Dan read it straight away, like he was sat there waiting. However, it didn’t show that he was typing a response, his other messages had been automatic. Phil knew he shouldn’t have said that, not if he wanted to be friends with Dan again. 

_ If  _ he wanted to be friends with Dan again. Dan had shut him out, he had made him hate himself for liking Dan in ways that just friends didn’t like each other. He had made Phil hate himself for his sexuality. Even though Phil couldn’t stop worrying about Dan stuck in that horrible house with a father who seemed to thrive off of degrading him and treating him like crap instead of loving him like Dan deserved; it didn’t mean they could just go back to normal. Deciding that the night was getting too stressful way too quickly, Phil shook his head and tapped out a final message.

 

**Phil Lester: it’s pretty late, i’m gonna go to sleep, night**

 

It was the last thing Phil planned on doing, he felt far too awake even if he was weary from the previous sleepless nights upon sleepless nights. 

 

**Dan Howell: yeah same, night phil**

 

And that was that. They used to talk until they both fell asleep, continuing on the conversation as soon as they woke up and were getting ready for school, or they’d laugh about the ridiculous things they’d started to talk about when they got more and more delirious from sleepiness. 

They were both marked as online until the sun was rising. 

 

*******************

 

Phil yawned as he walked through the glass doors of the coffee shop right next to college, craving caffeine to help him get through the day without crashing in the back of English literature class. It was one of the hellish 9am starts, he was lucky to only have a couple of these - it wasn’t as bad as school at least. Even so, they certainly weren’t the thing to get him in the Friday mood. Making his way to the counter, he almost bumped into Chris from his class, accompanied as always by PJ. 

“Sorry guys,” Phil laughed, rubbing at his eyes. 

The boys both greeted him and then decided to wait with him as he ordered so they could all walk to class together. Unlike Phil, Chris and PJ were surprisingly lively, continuing a conversation about their plans for the evening. Once he had given the barista his order, Phil turned around to listen to them properly, and then PJ said, “Why don’t you come, Phil?” 

Taken by surprise, Phil’s eyes widened slightly. Chris and PJ were nice enough and they often made efforts at offering possibilities of friendship, but Phil was a private guy. They never usually invited him out. 

“Come where?” he asked, trying not to sound too reluctant. He would at least pretend to consider it, to be polite. 

“A party tonight,” Chris replied, taking a sip of his drink and then seeming to burn his tongue. Through laughing at his best friend’s misfortune, PJ elaborated, “It’s meant to be crazy.  _ Everyone  _ is going, even everyone from the sixth form!”

All of the teenagers went to either Phil’s college or to the sixth form on the other side of town. 

“My cousin invited me and he’s two years above.” Chris added, “I just praise Alfie for sacrificing his house for our own pleasure.” 

At first, Phil had expected to instantly turn down the offer. However, the more the two of them talked about it with such animation, the more convinced he was. Also, he was guilty to admit it to himself but the idea of getting drunk was seriously enticing. He’d been craving the perfect chance to let loose for a while now. 

But then he thought about who else would be going. He thought about a certain Dan Howell who attended the sixth form and was likely to be at any party there was. He was nerdy and loved spending time on his own but recently Dan would be anywhere where he could be completely  _ free _ . 

And so, with a sad sinking feeling, Phil tried to smile. “Thanks guys, but I’m not really up for a party tonight.”

They didn’t push it, just nodded and said to tell them if he changed his mind. Picking up his finished coffee, Phil started to lead the way back out of the coffee shop, forcing any ideas of attending that party from his mind. The last thing he needed was another party with Dan - last time they’d gone to one together, things really hadn’t gone to plan. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have gathered by the chapter title, this party is going to be quite the storm, so stay tuned :)


	7. lust for life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back!! sorry this update has taken forever, i've been very busy but it's officially my summer holiday now so hopefully this gives me lots of time to work on this story :D

Friday night. Just about coming up to six pm. Phil was sat hunched over the desk in his small room, trying desperately to focus on the essay that he was only even writing to distract himself. He wanted distraction from the fact that he was spending yet another Friday night alone, not partying or doing actual  _ fun  _ things like everybody else his age. No, instead he was doing  _ homework _ . 

As much as he tried to focus his attention, taking way too long shaping the letters with his pen, hoping that extra detail would work better at taking his mind off of other thoughts; it was no use. He just kept thinking about the crazy sounding party, about Chris and PJ and the fact that he did actually have fun with them, and they were trying to help him out by being friends and all he ever did was turn down the offers. He was also thinking of a certain brown eyed boy who straightened his hair and wore jeans so skinny they were like a second skin. Drunk (or intoxicated by other means maybe) and at a party, carefree and reckless. Not wanting to see Phil. Still, Phil could not deny how his heartstrings seemed to be pulling him in the direction of the house party. He never wanted to go, and the fact that he was so eager to go without even really  _ knowing  _ why he wanted to made it even more compelling. It just felt like Phil  _ had  _ to be there. But all he had to do was remember the last time he went to a party, just under seven months ago. 

Standing under the stars in that stupid park with stupid Daniel Howell. The way his head had gone numb and mushy and he was so  _ happy _ . And then the words… ‘ _ Don’t ever touch me again. I’m not gay.’ _

The words that had made Phil’s entire universe come crashing down. That party made everything go to shit and Phil did his best to ignore that memory in particular; he’d spent the first two months at least obsessing over it and he’d struggled to get free from the prison of repetitive stinging visions - the consideration of another party was bringing it all back. 

But then… he couldn’t be afraid forever. Phil  _ knew  _ that he had to start actually living. He knew it was sad and pathetic that his mum got excited at the idea of him simply having a friend, her face lighting up as she beamed with joy. A few more times, he attempted to force himself into the work. 

It was always useless though, trying to avoid it. From the moment he’d been told about it, Phil had been itching to go to the party, to finally let loose. 

“Screw Dan.” he muttered, opening his laptop and going to facebook. Glad to see that PJ was online, Phil punched out a message. 

**_Hey PJ, still cool to come to that party tonight?_ **

 

****************

Just over an hour and a half later, Phil was meeting Chris and PJ outside a run down convenience store on some random street corner. Actually, he could only see PJ, ducked round the side of the shop and looking way too suspicious. 

“Hi PJ-” Phil started to say, but he was instantly silenced by the other boy shushing him. 

“What are you doing out here?” Phil made a big deal of lowering his voice to a whisper. 

“Chris is trying to get served!” PJ explained like it was obvious, straightening up and shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “This place always serves apparently.”

“You know my brother is eighteen right? He could-”

“Nah,” PJ said, interrupting Phil again with a shake of his head. “I think Chris likes it, makes him feel like a big man. Doesn’t half scare me though.”

Phil laughed. He had his backpack with him as always, and in that backpack was a bottle of vodka that he had persuaded Martyn to buy for him. He leaned back against the wall beside PJ. For a second, he found himself thinking about how maybe he did consider Chris and PJ friends. They hung out at college, they got on, they were some of the only people who were actually able to make him laugh in recent days. Now he was acting like a normal teenage for once, thanks to them, going out to parties and actually spending his Friday night doing something other than remaining holed up in his little room. 

At the sound of the door opening, PJ walked forwards slightly, just as Chris rounded the corner with two litre bottle of cheap cider under his arm. Phil wondered if it was actually safe to drink cider that big that only cost £2, but hey, he wasn’t drinking it. 

“We’re so glad that you’re coming, Phil.” Chris said, moving to stand on his other side as they walked, Phil in the middle.

“Yeah, it’s so much less embarrassing showing up as a group of three.” PJ agreed, before hastily adding, “And we were wondering what you’re like when you’re drunk.”

Phil laughed loudly. “It’s nice to know you think of me.”

Chris laughed too, and soon they were all laughing as they made their way to the party. Phil didn’t really know where exactly they were going, he was just following their direction. 

“Do you think we’re too early?” PJ asked, “My dad always used to say you should always show up to house parties an hour after they’ve started at least…”

“By the time we get there it’ll have been going for about forty minutes, I’m sure it’s already mental.” Chris replied. 

 

Maybe mental wasn’t the word. A girl opened the door to let them in, smiling but then disappearing immediately, leaving them to find their way to the centre of the party. The music was loud and there were a fair amount of people milling around, only a couple that Phil even recognised. Still, it wasn’t quite raging house party central yet, and people were definitely still able to look at them and wonder what the hell they were doing there. 

“Should we take off our shoes?” Phil asked. 

Chris snorted, though it was good natured, he wasn’t teasing in an unfriendly way. “Only Phil Lester would take his shoes off at a house party.”

“I suppose it is hard wood floor…” Phil mused, before deciding it be best to keep his trainers tightly laced up. 

As he lifted his gaze from his shoes and back to the others, he noticed PJ grinning and starting in the direction of a big table in what looked like the living room, though the TV and anything else remotely valuable seemed to have been safely moved somewhere that it couldn’t get smashed by rowdy drunk teenagers. 

“I knew there was a reason to get here earlier than everyone else!” he said, “Free beer!”

Phil and Chris also vocalised their appreciation before following his path over to the mountain of cans. Deciding to save the vodka for later, Phil picked open a beer and cracked it open, lifting it to his lips. It felt relieving. He didn’t really know why, as he didn’t particularly like the taste, he preferred fruity and sweet things - it was more the relief that in just a little bit, he would be feeling free of worry and sadness. 

He had been trying so hard to ignore it. Even if he and Dan had actually reached the level of  _ smiling _ at each other, which sadly was a massive leap in their relationship, they would never be proper friends. Yet that didn’t, and nor could it, stop the fact that Phil couldn’t stop worrying about him stuck in that house day in day out. He didn’t want to see him, that was the last thing he wanted, his nerves definitely wouldn’t be able to handle that, but… maybe he did; deep down, Phil just wanted to see Dan again to know that he was okay. 

Luckily, Phil hadn’t really got drunk a lot before, he was still quite a lightweight. It didn’t take long before he started to feel the effect. Well, it took standing up from where they had settled themselves on the sofa, only then did the dizzying feeling really hit him. 

“Maybe you should sit back down.” Chris suggested through a laugh, reaching out to steady Phil. 

“Maybe you’re right.” Phil agreed, sinking back into the cushions. 

As he moved his eyes around the room, noticing that it had filled up considerably and definitely got a whole lot louder, his eyes briefly came to a rest on Chris and PJ. Everybody speculated there was  _ something  _ there, and nobody really thought anything of it - and even if they did, they wouldn’t have any proof. The only things to hint that Chris and PJ were anything more than just friends was how they looked at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking, and just… well. Just how they  _ were _ . And they didn’t feel shy or like they had to hide whatever they felt. At that moment, the pair of them were sat so close that PJ was practically on Chris’ lap, and Chris had his arm over the back of the seat; he was idly fiddling with PJ’s shirt collar. 

Suddenly, Phil felt very out of place. As if he was intruding. 

“Actually, maybe I should go and see if there’s any mixer in the kitchen…” he mumbled, getting back to his feet a little more carefully. 

The room stopped spinning once he steadied himself, holding onto the arm of the sofa for a minute. Chris and PJ looked like they were going to follow him, and Phil smiled. 

“No, it’s cool. I’ll see you guys in a bit.”

Any other time, he would never want to be at all on his own at any party, always wanting somebody, or maybe one person in particular, to hide behind if need be. This was different though, he just wanted to get away from Chris and PJ for a little bit. He didn’t know why. They weren’t excluding him in anyway, they weren’t even acting vaguely like a couple. With other best friends, it would feel like Phil was awkwardly third-wheeling - those guys hadn’t made it anything like that. It wasn’t them personally. 

As Phil went through to the kitchen, he thought that maybe it was because they could be like that with each other in public without one of them flinching. They may not have been gay, or out as gay, maybe they didn’t want to label themselves… what Phil  _ did  _ know was that they clearly liked each other a lot and they weren’t afraid to show it. 

He realised that what he was feeling was  _ envy _ . With a sigh, Phil squeezed through a group of guys he sort of recognised from profile pictures online but had never actually associated with, and located a load of bottles of coke and lemonade that were already nearly all gone. Picking up a plastic cup, Phil poured out some vodka from the bottle he had retrieved from his bag and added some coke, making sure not to finish the whole bottle. He lifted it to his lips. It was a little stronger than it could be to taste good, but it was good enough. And it would definitely do the trick. As he took another sip, he almost dropped the cup from his hand as he felt a nudge behind him - somehow, he didn’t actually spill any of his drink.

“Oops, sorry!” a girl said, she had accidentally walked into him. Phil turned to face her, grinning when he saw who it was. 

“Louise!” he said, “I’ve not seen you since before Summer, was it at prom?”

“Phil!” she replied, even more ecstatic. They weren’t best friend level, they never hung out outside school or anything, but they had always gotten on when they spoke. They hugged each other, Phil squeezed her tightly. 

“You’re slurring your words.” Louise laughed, “How much have you had to drink?”

“Not much.” Phil replied honestly, “How are you? How’s the sixth form?”

“Oh it’s rubbish, it’s just like school!” Louise replied, and she held out a hand to steer Phil out of the way so somebody else could fill their own cup. “I know you were sad you didn’t get in, but you’re really lucky. I wish I had gone to college instead!”

Phil hadn’t even cared about the sixth form - he had just been miserable because Dan had got a place there and Phil had to go somewhere else. At the mention of it, he briefly thought about how torn he and Dan had been at the idea of not seeing each other everyday, if they hadn’t been surrounded by loads of people when the acceptance letters came they probably would have cried. And look at them now… 

“Is it really that bad?” Phil asked sympathetically. 

Louise just nodded, pulling a face as she did so and taking a sip from her bottle of wine, she wasn’t bothering with a glass. “Do you hang around with Dan?” Phil asked, and he was glad that she didn’t notice, or didn’t show any notice, that his voice caught a little in his throat when he spoke the name. 

“Erm not really, he doesn’t ever even show up.” Louise replied, looking thoughtful. 

“Oh right, stupid me. I forgot that he dropped out.”

“He did?” Louise echoed, and to Phil’s answering nod she said, “How is he?”

“Uh…” Phil tried to answer, but he fell quiet. Stupidly, he felt heat rushing to his cheeks. How could he possibly not be able to answer when somebody from school asked a question about Dan? They used to know  _ everything _ … “Actually, we haven’t talked for a while.” he said. 

“Oh really? What happened?” Louise asked, her brow creased in genuine concern. Maybe that concern was actually because it looked like Phil might start crying any minute. 

“Sorry Lou, I’ve got to go, my friends are waiting for me.” Phil suddenly said. 

Louise looked half worried and half like she knew that Phil was definitely just trying to escape the conversation, but she said, “It was good to see you!” with a grin anyway. 

For a moment, Phil couldn’t even remember the way he had entered the kitchen, but he just latched on to a group of people who were leaving and followed them the way to the living room. As he walked through the hall, the sound of the doorbell that Phil hadn’t noticed was even ringing until that moment ceased, and the front door opened to let in a swarm of more guests. Phil thought to himself that the police were definitely going to get called to shut the thing down, looking at how many people there were. He wondered if many more would even fit in the house, it was packed to the brim. 

He was counting, and then he counted some very familiar deep brown eyes that were glued on his own. Freezing on the spot, Phil’s mouth dropped open slightly. He wasn’t even surprised - but Dan clearly was surprised to see Phil at a party of all places, and Phil was mirroring his expression. As all of the people who were maybe Dan’s friends (but Phil couldn’t ever see them and think they were friendly) loaded into the house, it was like for a second Dan was just stood still as a stone statue on the doorstep, his eyes widened in surprise still. It was a pretty rare sight, Phil Lester at a party - though before all the drama, it would have been weird seeing Dan at one. It still was kind of weird, even knowing what Dan’s life was now. Not that he knew exactly. Phil just knew that Dan was in with a crowd who liked to do drugs and not go to college.  

The moment was over. Everything around Phil sped up, not stopping at normal speed but going all the way to fast forward. Dan broke eye contact and walked straight past, heading down a hallway along with everybody else, leaving Phil alone near the bottom of the stairs. Not exactly alone, he felt a little disgusted when he looked over his shoulder and saw a couple pretty much going at it on the stairs. Phil was all for PDA, though never actually displaying that himself, but that was holding hands or a light kiss on the cheek. Averting his eyes, Phil made his way back into the living room. 

He was glad to see that Chris was sat right where he had left him - though he was sat alone. Phil assumed PJ must have gone to get another drink or something, going to sit down beside Chris. 

“Hey.” he said, taking a long sip of his drink. 

“Are you alright?” Chris returned, frowning a little. “You sound… shaky.” 

_ Maybe because my knees are knocking each other so hard that they might break  _ Phil thought silently as he forced his mouth to form a smile, “I’m drunk.”

Chris laughed loudly, shaking his head but keeping a big smile on his face. “Yeah, but are you alright?” He asked again, struggling to stifle his laughter. 

“I’m great.” Phil lied, and he was about to ask the same question but something else had caught his eye. Over Chris’ shoulder, Phil saw Dan coming through the door, talking to some pretty girl that Phil didn’t recognise. He knew that he didn’t want Dan to see him but he couldn’t stop staring at him anyway, waiting for the moment where their eyes met again. They didn’t. Dan walked to the other side of the room without even noticing the area where Phil and Chris were sat, going to stand in a corner near the speakers and moving slightly as he stood, still talking to the girl. 

Dan was grinning as he spoke, looking down at her, he seemed to get even taller every time Phil saw him. The way he was looking at her… Phil had to fight not to ball his hands up into fists because he would crush his cup and cover everything with vodka coke, which wasn’t a good party trick. 

“Hey, didn’t you used to be friends with him?” Chris asked, snapping Phil out of his daze. As he turned to look at Chris again, Phil noticed that the girl had blonde hair and big boobs and was every straight guy’s dream. Maybe that was him being very stereotypical, but he was too irritated to care. Not just irritated, heartbroken, betrayed, miserable, angry - everything all at once. 

“Sorry?” Phil asked as if he hadn’t heard, but he had heard exactly and he knew just who Chris was referring to. 

“Daniel Howell? I thought you guys were like, best friends or something?”

“Oh.” Phil replied flatly.  _ So did I _ . Best friends or something. It was such a horrible phrase. Like you were either best friends or just…  _ something _ . Something non existent and floating in the empty atmosphere and just alone and the complete opposite of best friends. Not in an enemy sense, just… not friends. 

“No.” Phil said, though he knew his answer sounded a bit more like a question, and Chris looked quizzical, so he added, “I don’t really know what we are.” 

Chris’ face fell and his eyes darkened slightly as he looked over to the window, “Yeah, I know the feeling.”

Following his gaze, Phil noticed that PJ wasn’t going to get another drink, he was in fact leaned up against a wall and talking to a very good looking older boy who was dressed incredibly well and was… well, there was no denying it, absolutely Godly gorgeous. 

Phil frowned. Sure, to anyone who didn’t know Chris or PJ it would look PJ was flirting with the guy but…  _ everyone  _ knew that Chris and PJ had a thing. Didn’t they? 

“I thought…” Phil started, though the moment he even opened his mouth he realised that you could never really assume anything about anyone’s relationships, and it looked like the last thing Chris wanted was anybody else’s input. 

“Yeah, I thought, too. Everyone thought. Peej, however…” Chris’ voice trailed off, and he shook his head, staring glumly down at the huge bottle of cheap cider he had bought earlier. 

“Want something a bit stronger?” Phil said maybe a bit too brightly, hoping to lighten the mood a little. 

“Oh, I’d love that.” Chris replied, and Phil instantly recognised something that was all too familiar to him - forced bright cheerfulness as you try to force yourself to enjoy the party and have a good time because the whole reason you came was to forget your misery; misery doesn’t want to leave you alone, that was something Phil head learned. As Phil looked around for a cup, he noticed Chris’ eyes getting round like moons. 

“What’s-” Phil began to speak, but then he glanced up. Dan seemed to have realised that he couldn’t just go on pretending like he hadn’t seen Phil and had actually approached him, and was now standing right in front of Chris and Phil. 

“Hi.” he said simply. 

There was a beat, a very awkward slow beat of silence. Phil didn’t say anything. 

“Hi.” Chris said, “I’m Chris.”

“My name’s Dan.”

“I know!” Chris replied instantly, and then without another word, though he briefly turned to smile a little wider at Phil, he got to his feet and walked out of the room. 

_ Fuck you Chris,  _ Phil silently cursed,  _ how dare you leave me alone with him?! _

Dan was still awkwardly standing there waiting for a response. Honestly, Phil had thought that maybe deep down he wanted to bump into Dan, but now he knew that he definitely didn’t. The drink wasn’t helping either, it wasn’t making him more confident, if anything it was making the uneasy feeling in him even worse, his head was like a roundabout spinning faster and faster. 

Eventually, Phil mumbled, “Hi.”

Dan took that as his queue to sit down, and he moved to sit where Chris had just been. At first they were so close that their legs almost brushed, so Dan shuffled a little further away. He glanced in the direction that Chris had just gone, saying lamely, “Was it something I said?”

It wasn’t remotely funny, and if anything it was just awkward because he hadn’t said it the minute that Chris had left, it had completely lost any correct comical timing - but Phil forced a laugh. The worst part was it wasn’t even his normal soft laugh, it was a huge and obnoxious bellowing laugh. He didn’t even  _ want  _ to laugh at Dan’s jokes, but there he was, forcing embarrassing and obviously not genuine laughter. Still, Dan looked pleased enough. 

After that, they were silent again. Dan relaxed a little bit more in his seat, though Phil noticed his fingers were drumming against his bottle of beer, something that he did when he was nervous, he was always tapping things when he didn’t know what else to do with his hands and it was freaking him out. 

Phil was the opposite of relaxed. He sat rigidly straight, refusing to look anywhere but at a wall straight ahead of him. 

Beside him, Dan laughed, a quiet and quite timid laugh. “So the vampire finally left his lair.” he said. 

Phil frowned a little, lowering his cup from his lips and tightening his grip around it a little, “What?” he asked. 

Dan’s cheeks immediately flushed a little, and he lowered his gaze to his lap, not wanting to meet Phil’s eyes. “I was… it was a joke.”

“A joke?” Phil echoed, his voice clearly relaying his misunderstanding. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it…” Dan said, growing increasingly uncomfortable. Phil could see how much in his eyes he was regretting his decision to come over. “Just - you know, you don’t really go out a lot and you’re so pale and… I’m sorry. It was a joke.” he trailed off, eventually looking at Phil again. 

Phil tried to smile, he tried to keep his voice light hearted as he replied, “You’re not the only one of us who can go to parties, Dan.” 

He wished he hadn’t said it as ‘us’. It made it sound like they were Dan and Phil again, one unity instead of two polar opposites. 

“Yeah, I know, sorry.” Dan said, shaking his head. “I just…” he finished his sentence by downing the remainder of his bottle of beer, hiccuping a little as he did it. 

Any other time, Phil would have laughed. Any other time  _ before.  _ Just as he was about to excuse himself and go and find Chris or PJ, a girl stood on a chair as somebody else turned the music down, she cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, “Truth or dare in the dining room!” 

Some people shouted at her to shut up and put the music back on, she rolled her eyes and hopped down off the chair, stumbling in her heels as she headed to the door. 

On her way, she noticed Dan sat on the sofa and stopped, flashing a bright smile at him. Phil wanted to wipe it straight off her face… 

“Are you playing Dan?” she asked. 

The way she spoke was just a flirt in itself. Phil was gay and even he couldn’t deny that she was drop dead gorgeous, any guy would be lucky to have her. Any  _ straight  _ and available teenager definitely would be weak at the knees if someone as beautiful as her was inviting them to play, practically undressing them with her eyes. Phil couldn’t help but notice how Dan just looked a little embarrassed for her, and nothing else. 

“No thanks, Anna, I’m going to-”

“Oh no you don’t, Dan!” a boy Phil recognised said, he was wearing a huge leather jacket despite it being sweltering in the room and he was also incredibly good looking. Phil was cringing as all these people that Dan knew started surrounding him, and to them Phil was just a stranger. It was something he would probably never get used to, feeling like an outsider while Dan was loved by everyone and not enjoying being an outside with Phil. Although, he didn’t exactly look comfortable. Phil wanted to rescue him by saying that they had something else to do, but he knew Dan wouldn’t like that… he’d think it looked weird. 

And the last thing either of them wanted was to be alone together for even longer. 

“You’re playing, and it’s final.” Leather jacket guy said, and Dan reluctantly agreed, getting to his feet. 

He glanced over his shoulder, but before he could say anything to Phil, PJ had joined the throng, his eyes barely even open properly as he slurred. “Come on Phil, let’s play, it’ll be fun!”

“More like it’ll be completely juvenile and stupid.” Chris piped up, joining them, and Dan laughed. 

Phil noticed Chris looked slightly proud of himself for having made Dan laugh. “But yeah, it’ll be fun!”

So that’s how Phil’s night got very quickly bad from absolutely terrible - with one stupid game of truth or dare. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading xx


	8. hard feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter features homophobic slurs and brief mentions of violence!

Phil found himself sat in the middle of Chris and some girl he had never seen before in his life - Dan wasn’t sat directly opposite him but it was still pretty much impossible for Phil to look straight ahead without meeting the gaze of his old friend. The game started, and there were so many people squashed around the bottle being used as a spinner that the odds were extremely rare that Phil would get asked or dared anything. He wanted to leave, he wanted to go and sit somewhere else, but he knew he would just draw more attention to himself if he left. The truth was, he didn’t know anyone or particularly care, but he had no choice but to sit there and listen. 

Maybe time was going really slowly or maybe the game really was lasting for what felt like an eternity, Phil felt himself getting progressively more drunk as truths were revealed and dares dared. There was lots of girls kissing girls while boys cheered, there were no dares for boys to kiss other boys. 

“Maddy, is it true that you kissed Andy when he was still going out with Erin?” somebody asked at some point, and the room went incredibly quiet waiting for an answer before Maddy got up and left the room, her exit being answer enough. 

The rules of the game were dirty - people weren’t being kind. But then what could you expect at a game of truth or dare hosted by mean kids? At some point, a girl who was undeniably plain  _ hot _ , not that Phil particularly liked thinking of girls like that, spun the bottle and it landed on Dan. Momentarily, it felt like Dan was staring right as Phil as he smirked, but a moment later it was clear that he had his full attention on the girl.

“Daniel.” she said teasingly, it was immediately clear that they knew each other, and Phil was almost certain he had heard her talking about sniffing lines in the bathroom earlier. 

“Ivy.” Dan replied boldly, grinning at her with his beautiful smile. Phil hated seeing him giving that smile to anybody but him, his insides twisted painfully and he wanted to look away, but that would look weird when everyone in the room was watching them. 

“Truth or dare?” she asked. 

“Do you even have to ask?” Dan replied smoothly, before confirming his pick, “Dare. Obviously.”

She smiled and then looked thoughtful before one of her friends leaned in to whisper in her ear, Phil already knew the lines that the dare was going along before it even had to be spoken out loud. 

Evidently, PJ thought the same, he whispered along to Chris and Phil, “Will these people ever be interested in anything  _ but  _ people getting off?”

Trying to smile, Phil lifted his cup to his lips, downing the remaining half of drink that he dad before reaching behind him to pull his bag closer, pulling out his bottle of vodka. He was grateful to have something to focus on other than watching Dan, his stupid  _ smirk _ and his damned gorgeous face. 

“I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room.” Ivy said. 

Despite himself, Phil had to watch. It was like he enjoyed torturing himself, but he started at Dan for the whole time; he watched his face as he thought about which of the many girls he could kiss. Then, without a glance towards Phil, he grinned. 

“The polite thing to do would be to choose you, Ivy.” he said confidently. “And you are looking exceptionally good tonight.”

Even knowing Dan’s new found personality, Phil was still shocked to hear him speaking so openly and confidently, not a trace of the shy and awkward boy he truly was. Thankfully nobody cared to look at Phil, because if they did they would see his folded legs shaking slightly, they could see how he was holding his cup a little too tightly for him to be anything near relaxed. They would see how he was paying too much attention to what Dan was about to do next.

“Politeness isn’t very daring, Dan.” Ivy replied, and Andrew, the guy who was sat with Dan laughed loudly.

“She’s changed her mind mate, she doesn’t want you going anywhere near her.” he said, elbowing Dan playfully in the side. 

Phil chewed on his lip. How he  _ wished  _ Dan was looking at him… 

“You’ll say anything to get me to kiss you, pretty boy.” Dan said jokingly, and everybody laughed then, expect from Andrew who looked embarrassed, his pale skin flaming up bright red. Not noticing, Dan continued to stare right at Ivy. 

“I’m really holding this game up.” he said. “My decision is final. What do you say, Ivy? Ready to live up to the expectations of your own dare?” 

She didn’t say anything else, just moved into the middle of the circle, meeting Dan halfway. Phil felt as if he was about to be sick,  _ look away,  _ he told himself, but he couldn’t. Dan’s friends all made gross noises of pride as they watched him cup Ivy’s face, holding her still as he tilted his head towards hers, opening his mouth and kissing her. It wasn’t just a peck, it was full on, it was like they forgot they were being watched by everybody. Although, something made Phil feel as if Dan knew  _ exactly  _ who was watching, it felt like a sharp knife piercing right through the middle of his shoulder blades and coming out the other side. 

“Seriously, if they all just want to get off they should have said it was spin the bottle.” Chris said, and PJ laughed softly. Phil couldn’t even try to pretend anymore. 

Dan broke away from the girl, flashing his teeth again. Then, for a split second, his dark eyes flitted towards where Phil sat, and the room seemed to freeze around them. The stare said,  _ anyone can have me, anyone but  _ you _. _ It was over instantly, and Dan was back with his friends, and the game was going on like nothing had changed. 

When people had started getting bored, Phil was relieved with the safe knowledge that the game was coming to a close and not once had the spotlight been on him. His heart was starting to slow down, he no longer felt worried about the bottle landing on him - he was still all tensed up, though. He couldn’t get the horrible image of Dan kissing some girl from his head, it was like a horrible nightmare. He should have listened to his gut from earlier in the morning, the voice that had told him the last thing he should be doing was going to a party that Dan would be at. 

He flinched, he hadn’t even realised that he had been trailing off, floating away and losing himself in thought. Chris had nudged him, and Phil turned to face him with wide eyes, and then everybody laughed. It was like getting caught daydreaming in class when the teacher calls on you, but somehow much worse. 

His eyes flew to the floor in front of him. Of course, just as he thought he was in the clear, the bottle had to land on him. 

_ Let’s get this over with _ , he thought. He couldn’t even remember who had spun it, so it came as a surprise when Andrew spoke from where he sat next to Dan. 

“Phil.” he said, and Phil thought maybe he was one of five people out of at least thirty five who knew his name. It would have been better if it were a stranger - Andrew was one of the people who seemed to like humiliating anybody who wasn’t cool or popular. 

“...Truth.” Phil said slowly, his voice trembled. He felt pathetic. His heart was beginning to pound again, hammering into his chest so hard that it felt like it might cave in. Before anyone had even said anything he knew that whatever happened next would definitely be very, very bad. 

Nothing had prepared him for what came next, though. 

“Perfect, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you for a very long time.” Andrew said, and he smiled, a horrible and ugly smile. 

From the corner of his eye, Phil could see Dan narrowing his eyes, shaking his head ever so slightly. It looked as if he wanted to say something, to stop Andrew from doing whatever it was that he was planning,

“Lester, is it true that you like to fuck gay twinks?” Andrew said. 

The room went still. So still that if anybody moved even the fraction of a millimetre, everybody would feel it. Maybe even that everybody would hear if a pin dropped, not even a pin - a feather. 

“Or at least, he  _ dreams  _ of it.” Andrew added with a nasty laugh, the last comment definitely added for the approval of his friends; he got it, they all laughed too. All of them but Dan. 

Dan’s face was like thunder. As Phil shrunk into himself, growing more and more humiliated by the second, Dan looked like he was really fighting the urge to punch something. Part of Phil wanted to say something witty, something to show that he didn’t care what Andrew thought or what anybody else did. Yet he couldn’t, it felt like he was frozen, superglued to the floor, his lips stapled together, which only made it worse. It was confirmation. Chris was clenching his fists, and PJ looked as if  _ he  _ wanted to say something, and he hated confrontation more than anybody.

To his complete surprise, it was Dan who spoke. 

“Shut the fuck up, Andrew.” he said sharply, his voice cracking like a whip through the air. 

Any other time, Phil would have felt a surge of pride, pleased to see Dan sticking up for him like he always did. At this particular moment in time, however, he felt…  _ scared _ . Terrified, actually, he was shaking. All he wanted to do was run, but he was more still than ever before. 

“If he wanted to prove that he was anything but a faggot, he would speak up for himself.” Andrew said. 

Before anybody had a chance to react, Dan was on his feet and with a strength that nobody could ever imagine him having, he had Andrew up too and pressed him roughly against the wall. The group scattered, getting up to their feet, and quickly a chant of “Fight! Fight! Fight!” had started. Chris and PJ helped Phil up, nobody was even looking at him anymore but it still felt like all Phil could see in his mind’s eye was everybody watching him, staring in awe like he was a freak show. 

“Jesus Christ.” Chris muttered, “Let’s get out of here…” 

Phil didn’t move. He was now staring at Dan. It was like time was slowing down as he got visibly angrier. He lifted up his arm, pulling it back, and all Phil could see before his fist collided with Andrew’s face was Andrew’s expression of utter fear. Then it all shattered as his hand flew to his face, coming back with blood. Dan had struck, but that wasn’t enough. He punched him again. And again. And again. 

Some people were still cheering them on, others were running out of the room, a few were trying to pull Dan off of him. Phil had never seen anything like it, it didn’t even look like Dan anymore, he felt sick. Andrew tried fighting back, and he definitely got a few good hits in himself, but he was growing weaker as Dan was growing angrier. In all the years Phil had known Dan, he had  _ never  _ been so filled with rage, he was like a hurricane, and taking down anything in his path. One guy did try and yank him off, but Dan just swung his arm back once more, simultaneously getting the guy in the face with his elbow and aiming a punch at Andrew’s mouth.

“Get the fuck out before I call the police!” one girl said, and Phil couldn’t tell if she was the host or just a friend. When Dan didn’t listen, or just didn’t pay attention, she turned to some blonde guy Phil didn’t recognise in the slightest. “Get them out!”

The boy just nodded and moved forwards, reaching out a hand to grab Dan’s fist before he could swing another punch. It looked as if Dan was going to shove him, he turned around, raising his fist yet again. Even across the room, Phil could see that he was struggling to keep it curled tight without wanting to just shake it and get all the pain off. Searching his face, Phil tried to see somebody he recognised, but it was like he was looking at a stranger. He was watching so closely that he saw the moment Dan’s eyes grew wide with realisation, and he shook his head. Blondie suddenly had an iron tight grip on Dan’s arm and was pulling it behind his back like he was about to get handcuffed, pushing him roughly through to the door. 

And it was over.  Dan was hauled out of the room - Andrew just slunk over to a corner, not looking at Phil. There was a moment of awkward silence as everybody waited to see what would happen next. 

“I knew it was a good idea to move everything valuable.” The girl who had ordered their removal muttered, and then the music seemed to get louder though it had never been turned down, and everybody moved on like nothing had happened. Phil was still stood on the exact same spot that he had been sat on. 

“Sorry, dude, that was…” Chris started, but then he stopped talking, maybe realising that nothing could really be said after that. 

“Andrew is a dick.” PJ finished for him, clapping Phil lightly on the shoulder and offering him a shaky smile, “Shall we go?” 

Slowly, Phil nodded. Then he shook his head, and it took a few attempts of making his mouth shape the words before he said, “No, you guys stay, have fun.”

“We don’t want to stay after that!” PJ insisted, “We’ll walk you home.”

“No, no. I want to be alone. Thanks, but…” and that was all Phil could manage before he hauled his backpack up onto his shoulder and headed for the door. 

The minute he was outside in the fresh air of the night, he felt like crying. He would have sobbed there and then if he didn’t look around to see a group of people from college staring at him, he couldn’t remember if they had been in the room and seen what Andrew said, or if they were just staring because they (like him) knew that he never should have tried going to a party. They never ended well for him. 

He headed down the path, and when he got out of the gate he looked to his right and saw, just barely, a familiar figure stumbling away from the house. Not wanting to call out, Phil started a fast paced walk, pretty much jogging after him. When he got close enough to be heard at a speaking volume, he said, “Dan?”

Although it was impossible for him not to have heard, Dan continued walking away from Phil as if he was entirely alone on the dimly lit street. If he wasn’t drunk, maybe Phil would have just gone home and not pushed it - any other time, he was entirely on edge around Dan and would never try to force a conversation, in fact, he would run from it. Circumstances, however, had changed. 

“Dan, wait, I just want to-”

“I want to be alone.” Dan said over his shoulder. Then it was almost as if his steps slowed, but he still carried on walking. 

Eventually, Phil was a lot closer and he was able to match Dan’s pace, though he was still speaking from behind him. “I wanted to thank you for what you did-” 

“You don’t need to thank me.” Dan replied, the words coming out rough and harsh, he was keeping his eyes fixed ahead. 

Phil rolled his eyes at Dan’s familiar stubbornness, moving forward more so that they were walking next to each other, their arms coming so close to brushing but never quite making contact. As they passed under the light of a lamp post, the yellow glow shone on Dan’s face, and it showed that the bruises that had already been there seemed to have increased, his lip split. He definitely didn’t look anywhere near as bad as Andrew. Before, the house, Phil had just been shocked and scared. Now, though, he felt… confused. And relieved. And extremely grateful. 

“I do need to thank you-” 

“No, you really really don’t.” Dan muttered, still not even looking directly at Phil. 

Phil frowned, but then decided not to push it. Instead, he said, “Are you even able to walk properly? You look… you look crap.”

Instead of responding with words, Dan snorted, it was very close to a laugh - not quite there yet. 

“Will your friends make sure you get home safe?” Phil asked, knowing the answer. 

Dan knew the answer too, he laughed, the laugh a sharp and ruthless blade. He lifted his arms at the surroundings before letting them fall back down to his sides with a slapping noise, “Do you see them anywhere? They just wanted to come for a party.”

Phil bit his lip. He always knew that he hated Dan’s friends but it never failed to surprise him. He also kind of hated that Dan called  _ them  _ his friends when they were anything but caring and  _ friendly  _ to him yet Phil was the stranger… that was another issue, however. 

“I’m walking your way anyway.” Phil said, and Dan stopped on the spot. 

He stared at Phil, who had stopped a little way ahead and was now turned to look at him. 

“You don’t have to walk me home.” he said. “Go back to the party.” 

It was Phil’s turn to laugh an empty laugh. “Yeah, that’s really the last place I want to be right now, Dan.”

Realising that there was nothing he could do about it, Dan sighed and continued walking, more slow than before, allowing Phil to walk with him. So the two of them moved down the road, it was quiet but for the sound of their feet hitting the pavement and occasional car engines, though they were walking through back roads and there was pretty much nothing but houses in sight. 

For once, the silence wasn’t awkward. All the other times they were alone together, they had both just felt the need to talk to make things comfortable - comfortable wasn’t the word. To make things less painful. On this one occasion, though, it just felt… nice. 

Soon, they were getting a lot nearer to home. Secretly, Phil was mostly glad that he had found Dan on his way back because there was no way he would have been able to make his way back from the party without getting lost. 

“I know you said I don’t need to thank you, Dan, but… I do.” Phil said, and already knowing that Dan was about to protest he spoke over him, “And I won’t stop saying thank you until you accept my thanks.” 

He stared at Dan, waiting for him to respond to it, but Dan didn’t even try to argue anymore. Pressing his lips into a firm line, he slowed down even more, until he wasn’t even moving anymore. Furrowing his brow, Phil turned to walk back again, stopping when he got  _ too  _ close. “Dan?” he asked, his voice timid all of a sudden. 

The air seemed to get colder, though it was perfectly warm considering it was no longer summer. Things seemed weird, for want of a better word. Phil immediately got the feeling that he was really missing something, and he didn’t like it. 

“It was the least I could do.” Dan finally said, and his voice croaked. It sounded like he might cry, and Phil really wasn’t any good at dealing with crying people. 

It felt like the first time in so long that Dan seemed  _ human _ , or at least like the human that Phil knew. Although Phil hadn’t even recognised the Dan inside who had punched some guy to a pulp, he had been doing it to defend Phil. Things had seemed to be getting better, in a very strange way. 

“No, Dan, it’s fine. The past is in the past, we don’t need to keep all this tension-”

“I’m not talking about that.” Dan cut him off. He looked up, staring into Phil’s eyes. Dan’s dark ones were glazed over with tears, a shining film that was starting to spill down his cheeks. So badly, Phil just wanted to move close and wipe the tear away, he wanted to comfort Dan and say that everything was okay. Yet something stopped him. Something kept him stood still on the spot as a wave of aching pain and confusion washed over him. He was starting to regret chasing after Dan and forcing his gratitude on him, because he already knew he was going to stop feeling grateful as the time changed. 

“I told everybody that you’re gay.” Dan blurted out. 

 

The moment he had said the words, he looked horrified. Clapping his hands to his mouth, he shook his head, breaking the locked gaze with Phil, wanting to turn his attention on anything else. Phil’s lips moved, he was attempting to form words, but no sound would come. 

“I’m sorry.” Dan said, and although it was obviously very sincere, it felt like nothing. Phil couldn’t feel anything but betrayal. “I told them that the reason we stopped being friends is that you kissed me and you were obsessed with me and trying… trying to force me to be like you.” 

It wasn’t the first time that night that Phil wanted to be sick, though it  _ was  _ the first time he actually doubled over, wanting to heave everything up. He was gasping. Just as he thought that things between them could get any better… 

When he didn’t say anything, he sensed Dan getting nervous. 

He fisted his hands into his hair, tugging at the carefully straightened strands, “Not everybody, I mean,  just some of my friends, and Matt is friends with Andrew and-”

Phil straightened up when he was certain that nothing was going to come up. He felt lost, like he had stumbled into the middle of a field and couldn’t find the way out. He wanted to turn and run away but he didn’t know where to go, and he wouldn’t leave before he got some answers. 

He turned around so he didn’t have to look at Dan, but other than that he stayed in the same spot. 

“Why?” he managed to get out. He felt agonised as he spoke his realisation, “That’s what you think of me? That I’m-” he paused, hesitating before spitting the rest of the sentence out like venom, “You think I’m just a  _ faggot _ trying to make you be a little gay  _ faggot _ like me? Like I’m trying to force people to join my little gay club?” 

He didn’t care that he was crying. He didn’t care that his sobs were making the words come out so loud that anybody could have heard from inside their houses where they were trying to sleep. The last person he wanted to see was Dan, but when he wasn’t replying, he had to look. He turned back round, to see that Dan was leaning up against somebody’s garden wall, shaking his head vigorously. 

“That’s not what I think at all.” he whispered, or maybe it just seemed like a whisper in comparison to Phil’s uncontrolled hysteria. 

“I don’t know why I did it.” he said after a long silence, his voice so small and afraid, he  _ looked  _ so small and afraid… Phil tried to fight the tugging nag at his heart, but he couldn’t help it. When the person he loved more than anything else in the world looked so alone and vulnerable, that was his first instinct. He wanted to go and hug him and say he forgave him. He took a step closer, and at the same time, Dan slumped further down onto the ground. 

“I just… I do these things. I mess things up because I’m afraid to be happy. I ruin good things because everything that’s good for me ends up shit.”

Phil thought about Dan’s parents, and how home and family was meant to be a good thing but had ended up the opposite of good - it had ended up toxic. He couldn’t ever fully get it, but he understood. He had to understand, he couldn’t let himself hate Dan. He’d never hate him, not ever. 

“And it was easier to say that than to admit that I’d been wanting to kiss you all night.” Dan continued.

It was like a slap in the face, though somehow the slap was satisfying. Phil jerked his head up, straightening, he felt like crying and grinning all at the same time… yet his head told him that was wrong. Everything inside had turned into a raging battlefield of head vs heart and he just wanted to go with the direction of his chest. 

Dan buried his face in his hands, and Phil knew it was because he didn’t want anybody to see him crying. It made his words come out muffled, “I’m sorry, Phil. I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know what else to say and everybody asked why we aren’t friends anymore…”

_ Aren’t friends,  _ Phil’s head said,  _ you’ll never be friends, he’ll never be your friend again.  _

Phil didn’t know how to speak. All he could do was listen to Dan and his head and his heart but it was also like he couldn’t hear anything and everything was numb, his ears felt all hot and tingly. 

“I’ll never hate myself more for this.” Dan said. He was getting to his feet, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “It doesn’t matter how many guys I punch, I’ll never be able to make up for how I’ve treated you. I’m so sorry, Phil.”

Then he was off, stalking off past Phil, stumbling a little as he went. Lingering words still floated through the air and then Phil was turning, shaking his head. Dan was walking away from him  _ again _ , just like he had done after the last party. Phil couldn’t let that happen again, he just had to take his hand, he just had to make things okay again. There was a part of him that was angry that Dan would just leave if he could, leaving it there, but he ignored that minority.

“Dan, wait!” he said, he was still crying, but he didn’t know why. He was going to make things right again, wasn’t he? 

Dan didn’t wait, he carried on walking. 

Phil didn’t care about his dignity, he didn’t care about what his sober mind would do, he was running off of desperation and thrill - and the fact that he now knew Dan had wanted to kiss him all night. His heart was fluttering as he raced after the other boy. Yes, he felt betrayed and heartbroken - but Dan wanted to kiss him, and that was all that mattered. 

“Dan, stop! It’s okay, I forgive you!”

Dan whirled on the spot and in a few long strides he was standing back in front of Phil, his bruised face a mask of pained disbelief. 

“It was my own fault for kissing you in the first place, I deserved it-”

“ _ Stop _ .” Dan cut him off, it sounded as if he was pleading. Standing close again, Phil could see that his face was streaked with blood and tears. 

“But Dan, if I didn’t kiss you, we would have still been friends and everything would have worked out, you don’t have to feel bad-”

“Nobody deserves to have everybody finding out that they are gay from somebody else!” Dan echoed, and he sounded like he wanted to throw up himself. “Nobody deserves to be treated like shit and to feel the need to  _ forgive _ -”

“But I  _ do  _ forgive-”

“No.” Dan snapped, cutting Phil off. “You  _ don’t  _ forgive me, and if you do, then you really need to think things over. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, Phil!”

Shaking his head and increasing in despair by the minute, Phil said, “I don’t understand, if I forgive you why are you-”

“You don’t deserve to be treated like crap all the time and you just let people do it.” Dan said. 

Silently, Phil thought about how he wanted to say that exact same thing to Dan. His supposed friends, his parents… they were horrible to him, and Dan just let them do it. Something told him that he should stay quiet, though. 

“You can’t just go on accepting this, you can’t just let me get away with treating you how I have done.”

Phil tried to think of something else to say, but he just couldn’t. He was too confused. His thoughts were all muddled, and it was like doing a puzzle but every time you put some pieces together, another one disappears. 

“Don’t forgive me, Phil. You need somebody who can love you right and treat you how you  _ deserve _ .” Dan said. He sniffed, he was crying again. Phil was crying too. 

He wanted to argue. Deep down, however, he knew that there was no point in arguing. Not just because Dan was really stubborn, but because he knew it was true. Dan  _ didn’t  _ deserve forgiveness for outing Phil… but Phil couldn’t help from blaming himself. He’d started to think that Dan was unreasonable but maybe it was just Phil’s fault for not being able to keep his stupid gay feelings in check. He was furious at himself, he clenched his fists, digging the nails into the skin of his palm.  

Then he noticed that Dan was looking the opposite direction. Phil turned his head to see that they were standing opposite the park where they had kissed that night. The night where it had all gone wrong. 

“I go over there so much.” Dan said, his voice hushed. Surprise sparked Phil’s interest, he thought of replying, but decided his own words would just get in the way. 

“I go over there and I sit on top of the stupid fucking climbing frame and I think of that night. I think of when you kissed me, how it felt to have your lips against mine, how I gasped because you stole my breath away. It’s like treasure, that one little memory. I’d give up anything to keep the memory of that night.” 

The night was still again. The breeze back to being warm and comforting, the stars twinkling above them, it was as if they were all sharing one secret moment together - Dan, Phil, the stars and the moon. 

With a searing pain in his chest, Phil shook his head. The more Dan spoke, the less anything made sense. “Why are you so afraid of it?” he whispered, it sounded like he was begging for an answer. 

He wished that he hadn’t spoken. Everything started to feel very, very wrong once more. He was staring at Dan, not daring to let his eyes stray from his face. When Dan looked back at him though, it was as if he had only just remembered that he wasn’t alone on the street. It was like he hadn’t said anything, he just looked… dark. There was no more pain, anger, sadness, confusion… he just looked lost and haunted and dark. 

“It’s funny isn’t it?” he said. 

“Dan.” Phil said firmly, determined to get his answer. He knew it was no use though, the brief sense of hope was very quickly disintegrating. 

“The stars can just make you feel so lost that you forget yourself, you forget where you are.”

“Dan, don’t ignore me.” Phil whispered, he sounded scared. He  _ was  _ scared. Scared of what Dan was saying, scared of his own feelings, scared of the world and what it would do now that he knew that Dan had revealed the truth about him. He was still desperate to forgive him, desperate for the two of them to just get over it and for everything to be okay. Underneath it all, though, anger was brewing, and it was really wanting to explode. 

They stared at each other, direct, straight in the eyes. Briefly, Dan dropped his gaze to Phil’s lips. Then he bit his own, his teeth sinking into the bottom half of his mouth so much that it would make anyone feel the pain just by looking at it, and he disappeared. 

 

And then there was one. Phil Lester, alone again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!  
> also the title was definitely inspired by lorde's song... if you haven't listened to her album, you haven't lived


	9. same old mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should be apologising for being so terrible with updating regularly, but i think we've all started to accept i'm absolutely terrible at doing things when i should... anyway, here's another chapter for you, finally! (i'm apologising anyway, sorry!!!)

Phil walked a little behind Chris and PJ, they were on their way out of college after a tiresome week. None of them had really mentioned anything about the party, other than a short rant about Andrew on Monday, but it seemed that dreadful night had been forgotten. Truthfully, Phil barely even  _ remembered  _ the party, the only thing that seemed real in his head was the conversation with Dan, and foggy images of the fight. He was trying to block it all out as best he could. 

“Yeah, you’re telling me,” Chris was saying, “I was prepared to spend the whole weekend doing absolutely nothing, and then Mr Adams told us we have to do a five page essay by Monday.”

PJ laughed, shaking his head, “And we thought college was going to be easy.”

They hadn’t really noticed that Phil was rather absent, they hadn’t all week, and nor did Phil expect them to. They’d only just started hanging out, and it was nobody’s job to check that he was okay. Still, he was walking around in a total daze constantly, thinking over everything that Dan had said. The confrontation that he had been awaiting for so long really hadn’t had the outcome he’d wanted - he had thought it would all just go back to normal after that. Of course, things never went the way that everyone would like, and he and Dan hadn’t spoken since. The worst part was, Phil didn’t even know what he felt. Such a huge part of him just wanted Dan to accept that Phil didn’t blame him, and then everything would maybe just go back to normal. There was still such a huge part of him that was furious, how could Dan tell everyone?

Never before had Phil really been ashamed of being gay, he’d never really been ‘in the closet’ - but he wanted to be the one to tell people. It had to all be on  _ his  _ terms… how could Dan do that to him? That wasn’t how someone behaved if they cared about somebody. Now everywhere he went, if he saw kids looking at him for a moment too long, he was almost certain they were thinking about it. 

The word hadn’t stopped ringing in his head, either. Andrew’s nasty voice,  _ faggot _ . It sent shivers down Phil’s spine. 

“Are you coming, Phil?” PJ asked. 

Startled out of his own thoughts, Phil looked up blankly - he had heard the words that PJ said but he hadn’t quite registered them. 

Chris raised his eyebrows, and when Phil didn’t reply after a long silence, he said “We were thinking of going into town?” 

“Oh.” Phil said flatly, and then realised he sounded rude. He wanted to apologise, but for some reason the words wouldn’t come. 

The words wouldn’t come because as he stood facing the other two boys, he could see over their shoulder that Dan was leaning against a wall opposite the college. Feeling his eyes widen and his heart thud so quickly that it caused a painful ache, he tried to look away but it was too late, Dan was staring straight back at him. 

Phil knew that he was there for somebody else, he probably just had friends that went to the college and he was going to meet them, but he still felt a strange tugging feeling, like a rope tightened around his heart and his ankles, he wanted to go over there. Yet he was also thinking about how Dan had told him he couldn’t keep forgiving people who treated him badly, and he was right. Dan didn’t deserve forgiveness. Yet such a huge part of Phil thought he  _ did  _ deserve forgiveness, after everything he was going through at home… he needed a friend. 

His view was obstructed, PJ moved his head to the left so that Phil was looking at him instead. 

“Earth to Phil?” He asked, a faint smile playing at his lips, but then he frowned. “Are you alright, mate?” 

For a moment, Phil found himself sadly shocked and relieved to see anyone that wasn’t related to him and therefore had an obligation to care looking at him with such sympathy. 

“Sorry.” Phil said eventually, “I’m all over the place. Erm… no, I think I’m just going to go home.”

“Are you sure?” Chris asked, “We don’t have to go to town, we can do something else if you don’t want to be alone…”

“No, you guys go, I’ll be fine.” Phil said, “Really.”

Reluctantly, the boys said goodbye and headed the opposite direction to their houses. Phil stood on the spot, watching them go. They really were very nice, he was considering them as friends even though they only ever really talked in college. It was only now that Phil realised the two of them had always been trying to extend friendship since the very first day, and it just took Phil too long to notice it.

When he looked away from their retreating backs, his eyes slid across Dan - Dan who was crossing the road and coming over. 

Dropping his gaze to the ground, Phil started to walk away, he didn’t want Dan to come anywhere near him, it was too difficult, too painful and confusing. 

However, to Phil’s absolute horror, Dan called after him. For a dumb moment, he thought maybe he could just pretend that he hadn’t heard, he carried on walking away. He didn’t need to look behind him though, he knew that Dan was following behind him, and no matter what happened between them, Phil would never be able to bring himself to ignore Dan. Uncertainly, he turned around and sure enough, Dan was right there. 

“Phil, I need to talk to you.” he said.

It did sound like he needed it - he sounded frantic, the words spilling from his mouth in a mess, even his eyes looked as if they were dancing wildly. Phil wanted nothing more than to hear him out, to listen to every word he said and he also really wanted to kiss him after. Or before. Or just kissing with no actual talking. No matter what, however, he was all too aware of the words in the back of his head that kept playing on an endless loop. Dan saying that he had told everybody Phil was gay, that he was  _ obsessed  _ with him and trying to make Dan be gay too. It made him feel sick to the stomach, it made him feel angry, it made him feel hurt. Dan was the one who had convinced him not to forgive so quickly, and now he was here, undoing all that. 

“I really have to get home.” Phil said. He didn’t even mean to say it, he didn’t think it through, he wanted to know what Dan wanted, so he didn’t know why he lied. Even as he said it, he made no move to leave, and he didn’t plan on it. 

“ _ Please _ .”

Something about the way he said it gave Phil no choice but to agree to listen, so he nodded slowly, not saying anything. 

Dan said nothing either. 

They stood for what felt like an age, Phil raising his eyebrows as he watched Dan opening and closing his mouth, looking around like he was scared of who would come past. 

_ Scared people will see him with someone who is gay and assume it’s infectious,  _ Phil thought bitterly. 

“I don’t have time for this.” Phil said, and he was a little sad as he turned and started to walk away again - sad because despite himself, he had had a glimmer of hope that whatever Dan did would make up for everything; yet he was doing  _ nothing _ . 

Before he had even registered it, Phil felt Dan’s hand loop around his wrist, holding onto him. It had been so long since they had touched, yet it felt so familiar, Dan’s skin to Phil’s. Bewildered, Phil looked down at his wrist and then back up to Dan. As if realising what he had just done, Dan released his grip like his hand had been scalded, and he stuck it into his jacket pocket. 

“Can we walk?” he asked. 

“Well if you don’t start talking now,  _ I’m _ walking.” Phil replied, “If you’re going to walk with me, could you actually  _ speak _ ?”

He thought maybe he was being too harsh. He didn’t want their relationship to be like this, all he wanted was for them to be friends, to be  _ nice  _ to each other. Unfortunately, it all seemed too far out of reach to even be possible. As Dan nodded his head, Phil continued walking along the path, and he didn’t realise how deliberately slow he had been going until Dan caught up with him and he returned to normal pace. 

Still, Dan didn’t say whatever it was he had come to say. It felt different walking along with him in the middle of the day. Usually it was being out at night that was scary, but Phil felt much more on edge now, walking through the streets under the cool blue sky; there was nobody around but the two of them, there weren’t even any cars going by. Any other time it would have been relatively peaceful, yet walking along with Dan was making Phil feel as if he was on fire, and not the good and passionate kind. The fire burning in his veins was part anger, part nerves, part blatant attraction to Dan and the urge he was fighting so hard against, the urge to want to reach out and hold his hand or brush his messy hair back from his eyes. It was a confusing mixture of flames. By the time one of them spoke, they were only five minutes away from Phil’s house. 

“Are you going to spit it out, Dan?” he asked, hearing the exasperation in his own voice. He knew he was being unfriendly, but Dan had been more than unfriendly for the majority of the time they hadn’t been speaking.

He wished that he could see into Dan’s thoughts, like a window in his forehead, clear glass that would allow him to know everything that was going on in his mind. It would be a lot better than having to deal with his stomach tying itself into knots as he wondered what Dan could possibly say, what was causing him to look so  _ anguished _ . 

“Right.” Dan muttered, “Sorry. I just… I don’t even know what I want to say.”

Phil let out a heavy sigh, and he was about to speak, but Dan talked over him. “No, no, I do. I just don’t know how I’m going to get it out right and truthfully I don’t even know  _ why _ -”

“Dan.” Phil cut him off, and for some reason, he let himself smile. It wasn’t a true smile, his face didn’t light up like it did when he really meant it, but it was small and timid and barely there if you weren’t looking closely. It seemed like dan was looking very closely though, his dark eyes were looking right at Phil’s face while somehow avoiding actually meeting his gaze. 

“Sorry, I’ve not been sleeping much.” Dan said, “I can’t sleep, I haven’t been able to since- since the other night.” 

Between the them both, they had made an unconscious decision to stop walking, they stood facing each other, Phil leant against the wall as he frowned at Dan, listening carefully. 

“I just didn’t want to leave things like we did, I- I don’t know why I did what I did but I want to explain, and that’s hard to do when I don’t even know the explanation but it just had-”

“ _ Dan _ .” Phil repeated, though he didn’t sound irritated anymore. “You’re mumbling. Why are you so nervous?” 

He would always know things about Dan, no matter how long they didn’t talk or if they weren’t really friends, he would always know that Dan mumbled when he got nervous or awkward. Or when he was trying to avoid a subject. He also knew exactly how Dan liked to drink his coffee black with two sugars, three sugars if he was having a particularly long day. He knew that Dan had a bad habit of touching his hair nonstop and that he loved musicals more than anything even if he would never admit to it.

He was so lost in thought that he barely realised when Dan looked him properly in the eyes for the first time all day. He was so startled when he saw the sudden fierce determination in Dan’s eyes that he barely registered his actions as he grabbed Phil’s hand and gently pulled him after him, and suddenly they were up an alleyway - and then his back was up against the wall, and Dan was up against him. 

They were  _ kissing _ . He was too shocked to even gasp, he could barely even kiss back, he just knew that their lips were together and Dan’s hands were on him. At first, Phil let him. He felt time slowing down but he also felt like everything around him was spinning and he was stood still in the centre of it. He couldn’t even understand what was going on, he just heard a voice in the back of his head yelling  _ Dan Howell is kissing me!!!  _ He  _ is kissing  _ **me!**

It was a ferocious kiss, his back hit against the wall but he barely registered the sharp pain as he placed a hand on Dan’s shoulder, the other shyly brushing at his waist, not caring that it was the middle of the day and that it was  starting to rain incredibly hard and that anybody could have walked past. The kissed seemed to light up every bit of fire Phil had in him, he felt as if he was burning, heavenly fire shooting through his limbs to his head and his chest, right where his heart was soaring. 

Then he fell back to earth. 

With great effort, he placed his other hand on Dan’s other shoulder, and he pushed him away. He was about to explain why, he was about to tell Dan that he couldn’t hurt him the way he had and just make it all better with a kiss when it would probably end up with him telling his bullying more lies about Phil. Or maybe not lies, but truths that could only be used as weapons by the bullies. He didn’t, though, instead he opened and closed his mouth soundlessly, staring at Dan and wishing he didn’t feel as pained as he did.

He had thought it was just the rain but he could see that Dan had tears spilling down his cheeks. Immediately Phil felt an urgent pull to hold the other boy close, to wrap him in the warmth of his arms and tell him that everything would be okay. That, however, was an incredibly big promise to make when it seemed like their only final destination was the opposite of okay. 

“Dan?” he said at last, he sounded breathless and like he had run a marathon. “Why are you crying?” 

He moved as if to put a hand on his shoulder, to cup his face and wipe the tears away with the pads of his thumbs - and then let his arms fall limply to his side. 

“I’ve not been able to stop thinking about you since that night.” Dan said, the words spilling from his tongue in chaos, and even as he spoke his eyes seemed to go wide as if he was surprised by what he was saying. “Not just since the party, since- since  _ forever _ . I’d just gotten good at pretending I wasn’t, but then at that party…”

“Dan.” Phil said soothingly, trying to comfort him, though he wasn’t sure if Dan even deserved his sympathy. But then Dan could destroy him and Phil would smile and say thank you. 

“No, let me talk.” Dan pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut, tilting his face up to the rain as it hammered down around them. Phil felt as if his clothes were so soaked that they would form around him to make a second skin. 

“I just feel so bad about what I did, and I don’t know why I did it because you are the last person that I’d ever want to hurt, and I know that we could never be real but knowing  _ I  _ am the reason it’s completely ruined is killing me Phil!” 

Frowning, unable to hide his utter confusion, Phil moved a little bit closer and spoke gently, “What are you talking about, Dan? Nothing’s ruined, it’s  _ us _ , we’re Dan and Phil-”

“Yeah, we’re Dan and Phil.” Dan cut him off, “That’s  _ exactly  _ why you and me can never be a real thing, not ever.” 

In the space of a second, millions of emotions seemed to flash through Phil all at once. He was confused, sad, pained, nervous, and then he was  _ angry _ . He didn’t raise his voice, he didn’t clench his fists. The anger was clear in the calmness in which he spoke, and how his eyes looked  _ betrayed _ . Not that Dan was looking at him, he was pacing up and down the alley way, his eyes fixed on the ground. 

“Dan, I don’t understand why you’re doing this.” he said, “You hurt me, you punish me for having the feelings that I can’t help, you make me think that you hate me and in the process I start to hate myself. And even then, I forgive you, because forgiving you for all the horrible things is easier than thinking that we really are over forever - and then you kiss me. You tell me you think about me, you get my hopes up, and now… now what?” he asked. 

Dan didn’t answer. He’d stopped pacing, but he was staring deliberately at a brick in the wall behind Phil, teardrops still glassily sliding from his eyes. 

“I’ve been blaming myself when all I did was kiss you.” Phil whispered, his voice cracked. He felt tears stinging his own eyes now, he hated seeing Dan so sad, he hated being so sad himself. “I did nothing wrong, it was all you, but I’ve been hating myself. You wouldn’t believe just how much I hated myself.”

Again, Dan squeezed his eyes shut tight as as if he was attempting to hold in tears. “I know.” he said. 

For a moment, Phil wanted to carry on being angry. He wanted to shout, to say that it’s ridiculous that all Dan can say after everything is  _ I know _ . But there was something about the heart shattering fragility of Dan’s words, how he sounded so  _ broken _ , and how Phil’s lips still felt like they were burning from the desperate kissing, the shape of Dan’s lips still seeming to be moulding around his own. He took a step towards the other boy. He couldn’t stand seeing him so small, and so so sad. He couldn’t handle it, he felt like he would break himself. “Dan,” he said softly, but suddenly Dan was moving away from him. 

As if seeing the hurt in Phil’s face, Dan shook his head, “No, Phil. You deserve better.” 

“I don’t want anything else, I want  _ you _ .” Phil said simply, the honesty feeling scary. 

“You deserve somebody who can love you, somebody who isn’t completely toxic.”

“Dan-” he tried again, and he took another step, and Dan took another step back. 

“I have to go.” he said. 

“Don’t run away.” Phil begged, “ _ Please _ .”

“I’m sorry.” Dan said. Then he turned and was gone, out of the alleyway and turning left. Phil tried to follow him, but as soon as he stepped out and looked to his left, he couldn’t see anyone ahead. 

He’d gone so quickly, it seemed like magic. The only thing reassuring Phil that he hadn’t just imagined the whole thing was the tingling of his lips, his skin still buzzing where through the clothing, Dan had been touching him. Dan had  _ kissed  _ him. 

With an empty longing, Phil wished that he could be happy. Instead, he felt numb. He felt nothing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! :)


	10. even if it's a lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, this is getting so repetitive, but again - i'm so sorry i'm taking so long with updates.  
> my grandfather passed away last week so i've not been having lots of time to write, and this chapter and the next couple of chapters may not be my best work, but i wanted to get something up for you guys. xx
> 
> also, the chapter title isn't really relevant to this story but somehow when i was listening to the song it just made me think of all the feels in this story. i found it through dodie earlier today and it's all i've been listening to for the past eight hours :D   
> (even if it's a lie by matt maltese)

Phil spent the majority of his free time holed up in his room so none of his family found it strange when the minute he got home, he ran straight up the stairs and into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. His jeans were so wet they were sticking uncomfortably to his legs like a second skin, dark strands of hair fell in his face and he could see droplets of water coating them, but he didn’t even care enough to change into something dry. Clambering into his bed, he immediately fell back against the pillows, wishing he could just fall asleep. Of course, there was far too much going on in his mind to even consider sleeping. All he could think about was  _ Dan _ . The kiss, the way their lips had collided, the way he had felt himself pressed up against the wall, felt Dan pressed up against him. He wished he could think of that moment as pleasant, but he just felt sick. He didn’t understand. If Dan felt that way, why would he happily go so many months without even talking? Why would he be happy with letting Phil believe that he hated him, why would he have let Phil hate himself? There were too many questions, and all the questions could only be answered by Dan. 

From where he lay in his bed, Phil glanced out the window. It wasn’t that late but autumn was making it get dark earlier, the sky was an angry storm of dark grey as rain hammered against the glass. He thought he heard the distant rumbling of thunder. With a sigh that somehow managed to be as heavy as the thundering weather, Phil lifted a hand to his mouth. His fingers brushed his lips, his lips that were soft but felt like they were burning. It should have tasted sweet, left a silky layer of honey, a feeling that he wanted to savour forever. Instead, it felt toxic, it felt like poison. Trying to get rid of the feeling, he bit down on his lower lip, teeth piercing the skin there so hard that it hurt, but even that didn’t make the flame die out. Squeezing his eyes shut, he buried his head deep under the duvet, waiting for hours and hours until sleep came. 

 

*******************

 

Although he had been in bed by half four in the afternoon, the following morning Phil woke up feeling groggy and unrested. His sleeping had been uneven, constantly waking up from dreams about  _ Dan and Phil _ , the pair of them, kissing, hugging, holding hands, laughing, being friends, being  _ more  _ than friends… somehow it all just felt like a nightmare instead. Sitting up, Phil leaned over to pick up his phone and look at the time. He’d slept in, it was past nine, he should have left for college an hour ago. Another glance out the window and he could see that neither of his parent’s cars were in the drive - they had left for work, expecting him to get up and go to college like he usually did. 

Not today, he said to himself. He sunk back into bed, but he didn’t feel comfortable. He certainly couldn’t sleep anymore, but he didn’t want to get up either. For a moment he tried to convince himself that what had happened, the kiss, had just been one of the many dreams in the dark fog of his mind - but there was no denying that it had happened. 

His thoughts were interrupted by a light tap on the door, and it was pushed open without waiting for a response. Phil groaned when he saw Martyn standing there. 

“I forgot you would be here.” he muttered, “Guess I’m busted.”

Walking further into the room, his brother said, “Have you been in bed since you got back from college yesterday?” 

Phil blinked at him. Wasn’t he going to tell him off for not going to college? Tell him that he had to go in? 

“Yeah.” he admitted slowly, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to look at Martyn, because he hated it when people looked at him with concern. 

“Are you sick?”

“No.” 

A pause. Then, “What’s wrong?”

Still keeping his eyes shut, Phil mumbled, “Who says anything is wrong?”

He didn’t have to look up to know that Martyn was raising his eyebrows as if to ask if he thought he was stupid. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, shuffling to a seated position. Taking that as his invitation to come in, Martyn moved further into the room, sitting down on the end of the bed. 

“Dan kissed me yesterday.” Phil said flatly. It was the first time he had spoken it aloud, and even though it was all he’d been thinking about for hours, speaking the words made it sound even more real. 

He saw his older brother’s eyes widen in surprise, but he didn’t voice his shock, just nodded slightly. “And this has upset you because…?” 

Thoughtfully, Phil bit on his lip, staring down at his rumpled duvet cover as he tried to work out how he was feeling. He said, “Because it was so out of the blue. And I thought - he told me he wasn’t gay. He acted like it would be the worst thing ever, he let me go so long thinking he hated me.” 

Once he had started speaking, the words began to tumble from his mouth before he could stop them, a huge wave of thoughts washing over the room. “He told everyone that I’m gay, he’s acted like he hates me, and then - then he just  _ kisses  _ me-”

“Wait, back up.” Martyn interrupted, “He told everybody that you’re gay?”

The Lester’s weren’t angry brothers, but Phil noticed that Martyn’s hands in his lap had started balling up into tight fists. 

“Yeah.” Phil muttered, not wanting to meet the fury in Martyn’s eye. Luckily, it seemed that the older of the boys seemed to sense Phil didn’t want to speak about that, so he held his tongue. He watched with a slightly sad glaze to his eyes, but he was otherwise silent as Phil explained everything that had happened. The kiss, everything that Dan had been saying, how he had run away and just left him in the rain… 

When he finished, there was a short silence that seemed to go on a lot longer. It made him feel like an idiot, but Phil felt hugely embarrassed after just having spilled every single thought and feeling he was having, but he knew that Martyn genuinely cared. Besides, it wasn’t as if he had anybody else that he could talk to. Every single thing just built up, a tower teetering so clumsily that every step Phil took related to Dan felt like he was walking into flaming fire. 

“He said he’s not been able to stop thinking about you?” Martyn asked at last, it was difficult to wager what his take on everything was. “And- and made it seem like he’s interested in you like  _ that _ ?”

Phil nodded slowly, he felt tense. It was strange hearing it spoken aloud, but he said, “Then he said I deserve somebody who isn’t  _ toxic _ . What does that even mean?”

In answer to the question, Martyn shook his head, shrugging slightly. His brow was creased as he stared at a patch of carpet, slightly dark from where Phil had stained it with coffee years ago. 

“I just- I don’t know what to feel.” Phil said, exasperated. He slumped back against the pillows - he’d spent so many consecutive hours there he was sure the bedding had moulded to make a perfect Phil shaped cut out. “I feel sad, confused, and… and  _ angry _ . How can he just say all that and then  _ run away _ ?”

“He seems to run away from his feelings towards you a lot.” Martyn said softly, though it seemed more like he was speaking to himself than Phil. He looked lost in thought, long sad thoughts. Just as Phil was about to ask what was wrong, his older brother’s gaze turned somewhat nervous. 

“I don’t know anything about it, not really,” he said, “But from what I’ve heard, Dan’s dad… he isn’t…”

“He’s horrible.” Phil said flatly. 

Nodding, Martyn said, “I probably know more than I should, I eavesdropped a few times-”

“ _ Martyn!”  _ Phil interrupted, suddenly worried about what else his brother had heard him and Dan talking about all that time ago. Even though he was pretty sure all they ever did was banter back and forth and talk about video games and TV shows, it still made him nervous. 

“That’s besides the point.” Martyn said, “Just… it’s not like Dan’s told me, he’s never even mentioned it, but… you know what his dad is like.” 

Phil frowned, slowly lifting his gaze to meet Martyn’s eyes. “Yeah, he’s horrible.” he repeated, trying to keep his tone flat but already knowing what Martyn was thinking. 

Speaking as if testing every words weight on his tongue, Martyn said, “It’s not easy for everyone to accept that they’re gay, bisexual, whatever.” 

Feeling his cheeks heat up slightly, Phil said, “You think I don’t know that? You think I didn’t hate it at first?” His voice went hard, rough, and he knew he didn’t have any right to be getting annoyed but he was. He was finding every single thing irritating at that moment in time. 

“Yeah, at first. You got over it, and even though you’re not exactly out, you’ve come to terms with it. You accept it. That’s probably because you have a family who love you and always make you feel safe, and they will do that unconditionally.” 

He knew that everything Martyn was saying made sense, but he still couldn’t help but keep his jaw slightly clenched, glaring at nothing in particular. 

“You have every right to be upset, mate.” Martyn said gently, “It’s annoying and frustrating when you feel for someone like you feel for Dan, but-”

“How could you possibly know?” Phil snapped, instantly regretting the harshness in his tone as he saw his big brother recoil slightly. “Sorry.” he muttered, shaking his head, “It’s just….”

“I know. How could I possibly know how it feels to be gay, in love with my best friend who no longer is my best friend and is basically a complete jerk to me, and then fucks around with my feelings by kissing me?” 

He smiled tightly, then reached over to lightly knock Phil on the shoulder with his hand. “I don’t know what that’s like, no. But I do know that Dan loves you.” 

Before Phil could say anything else in argument, Martyn continued, “I don’t know what way he loves you, but he does.”

“If he loves me, why does he insist on hurting me in a million different ways?”

“That answer is way too long, and far from black and white.” Martyn said gently, but then when he stood up, all seriousness was gone and he was back to his normal self. They hardly ever had deep chats, but Phil found himself appreciating just how wise his big brother had gotten, even if it was ridiculously annoying. 

“I’ve got work.” he said, “I’m saying get to college because it’s my duty as your brother but…”

As he trailed off, Phil pointedly arranged himself deeper into his duvet, squeezing his eyes shut and pulling the comforter over his head.  

 

**************

 

Hands stuffed into the pockets of his coat, Phil tightened them into nervous fists. He had started regretting his decision the moment he got dressed, and for the whole walk he’d been telling himself it was a stupid idea - yet there he was, walking up the path to Dan’s house. It had stopped pouring earlier on, but the air was still crisp and cold, the smell of rain coating everything he passed. Closer and closer he got, tighter and tighter his fists got, the more his chest ached. He remembered a time when walking to Dan’s house seemed as natural as entering his own home, now it seemed like he was approaching something incredibly dark and terrifying. When the house came into view, the front door intimidatingly tall, his footsteps slowed. He could still turn back, it wasn’t too late… 

Pulling his right hand from his pocket, he knocked on the door. He tried to ignore how his palms were sweaty, his knees were even knocking together. He wondered what Dan would do when he saw him, standing there on the doorway. Would his head be flooded with memories of their kiss, the way they had fused together like a burning flame even as the raindrops poured down all around? Would he kiss him again? Would he ask him to leave? That was the thing with Dan, he always did the unpredictable. 

Footsteps. Phil could hear distant noises in the house, somebody rattling around, looking for a key. As he waited, listening, he attempted to ignore him own thoughts but it was impossible. Suddenly, he was thinking of every bad thing that could come out of his visit. Dan could do anything. He held Phil’s heart in the very palm of his hand, and even if it was unintentional, it could take something as simple as one word to crush it into pieces. 

There was a click as the door opened, Phil inhaled sharply - then exhaled, he wasn’t sure if it was with relief. It wasn’t Dan, his mother stood there. Phil remembered the last time he had been at the Howell house, that awful dinner. He remembered how furious he had been, how sick it had made him feel that Diane could just sit there and listen as her husband talked down about Dan while he sat right there, flinching at every word like it was a slap. He managed to smile at her though. 

“Hello Phil!” she said brightly, opening the door wider, “How are you?”

“I’m good thanks Mrs Howell,” Phil replied politely, trying not to seem rude as he looked past her into the hallway, “Is Dan here?”

“Sorry, he’s not.” she said, “He went out with some friends.”

Friends. Dan only had one group of friends, and they were bullies. They were the people who had gotten him involved in drugs, they were the people that he had told Phil was gay. They were people who didn’t care about anybody, and especially not Dan. Dan didn’t seem to care about them much either, but… 

“Oh, okay…” Phil said, hoping he was successful in hiding the disappointment in his voice. 

“Do you want me to tell him anything?” Diane asked. 

Phil considered it for a second, mouth half open, but then he shook his head. “No, that’s okay, thank you.” he said. 

He said goodbye and turned round, going back to the main road. 

He told himself it was nothing. Dan was allowed other friends, sure. But… he couldn’t get rid of the sour taste in the back of his mouth. He couldn’t fight the fact that it hurt him, actually  _ hurt  _ him, to know that Dan was still friends with people who treated Phil the way they had. 

_ Not everything is about you, Phil,  _ he thought to himself. Still, it was hard to ignore an ache that was the size of the world, weighing down so heavily it felt like it’d squash you flat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! :)


End file.
